Hurting

I waitd patiently 4 u to say sumtin n u didnt. Wntng me to pay that no attn but I knew it all so well. U going to hell. Close my mouth n lose my visions. Put my heart and pain n detention 4 their feelings but I cant. A mthr u shld b but u aint. The woman who raised me, not true 2 her name. Ur luv is not worthy. U ignor...ed that he hurt me. Cuz u luv him n thats final. Im not n denial so phuk u. Leave me. How cld u?

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Trust & Believe

U think Im gon sit here n listen to this shyt. Boy leave me alone. It was God who blessed us wit this house. U aint did a damn thing on yo own. Tryn to put me down n throw yo money all up in my face. But God bless me in the exact same way. U r no better than me, no different than I am. And God is the only man around here wearing the Kings crown. (Trust & Believe)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Teacher's

My child comes to class er' day to learn. Got his learning tools and er' thang he needs to succeed. But it's a damn shame I can't trust u. Didn't think that u would do such a phuk'd up thing. U got to b some ol' sick as bytch. My phukn son is only 13.

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Told

I b playn but Im jus sayn u cant b forreal. U tryn to make sure she know, but let the truth b told, u the only one who really dont know the deal. Nicca's b frontn, fakn like they luvn and slow bytchs fall for that shyt. The things we will do, to show n prove that we the only one ridn the dick. At least thats wut it see......ms, but hate to kill yo dream. Wut u think it is...ain't it!

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

U Neva Know (mini poem)

U was phukn her too, having kicks, jus 4 fun. U see, u hurt me & I wont b the only one. U want to leave me now n take wit u 15 yrs of my life. Gon give yo name to this bytch...in 1 mth make her yo wife. Well partna do wut u do. Gon n take everything, take everything wit u. U can keep the house too, just make sure the m...ortgage get paid. U can keep er' mfing thang, even them mf'ing AIDS!!! (Naw nicca, u got played)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Passion-

She lay there. At every line upon her, I stare. I’m captured by beauty and admire the way she offers to soothe me. She makes me feel like no other. Can’t get this type of feeling from a brutha under covers. My friends they don’t understand what I could possibly want from her. Questioning my actions but she’s my satisfaction and I get from her what I get from no other. The same bond that I received in the womb of my mother. She embrace me and upon her my hands lay. Attached to her in the most amazing way. How could I have overlooked something so natural as she, so perfect as she, so right. My thoughts are of her when I rest upon my pillow at night. She’s my every thought. I tell her everything. She feels all the emptiness on those nights in between when I’m seeing him. She tells me that’s she’s who I need and in her I confide. She dries the tears from my eyes and beg to come clean. Everything kept in the closet, shutting her out she say it seems. But that I don’t mean. I don’t care who knows and if they judge me then do tell. If my actions are too out there for them to see and if they think they will send me to hell…oh well. I love her! Don’t try to tell me what I can and cannot do. My living is not up to you and she is who I choose. See…they question me but don’t listen. They pay me no attention. His vision for us is one dimension and my friends say this is unacceptable. But I’m not asking permission. You can’t keep me from loving her. I have to make my own decision. You can’t possibly understand the relationship. My hands glide smoothly from hip to hip and I make sure that every part of her is touched. My words and her creates a portrait un-named. Some feel it’s a shame. But you can’t judge me and I can’t judge you. The reason I love her so much is cause she listens to the truth and she supports me, never ignores me and how I feel she accepts. She let’s me get it off my chest, she doesn’t ask me to be anyone else. I’m me. That’s all she see and my love for her is all that matter. So if you’re questioning whether I’m making the right decision. Yes and happiness is all I was after. She stares at me and I know without asking. I pick up my pen and upon her I write the words…Passion!

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Tell Me Y

Tell me y I'm smiling. Grinning from ear to ear. He gets me with the words he say, know just wut I like to hear. Tell me y I'm blushing. With every li'l word. Can't deny, Yes I like the things that I just heard. (Keep it coming boyfriend)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Funny

Funny how the truth seems to disappear but lies are clear n made known. Funny how people cant accept the hurt when finally the tables r turned. Funny how things seem to haunt us and the pain is deep n tears. But when it aint u, the laughing u do, until u find urself there. (Think B4 U Speak, Point Or Judge)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Hard Pill to Swallow

Didnt want to break up our family. Be nice to have a man at home. Didnt want to hurt u by keepn secrets but my heart cant take no mo'. Not only us have to sit n suffer so Im gon' go ahead n take my chance. I hate it has to be this way but ur not my babies dad. 100% Uncertain)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Protect Yoself (Mini Poem)

Doc look'd me n my face n said. And Im suppose 2 live wit that. I wntd to scream out nstead but I knew I cldnt take it back. Got to tell my moms the truth n Im only 14yrs old. Wut am I gon do w/o my frnds turning their backs. If I cld chng the hands of time, they wld read 3 yrs b4 2day. B4 I strdt having sex n mayb I wldnt have AIDS! (Protect Yoself)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Baby Please (Mini Poem)

Shut up! Just shut up wld u. I cnt take it! Dont know wut else to do. Listen please. Shhhhh, please b quiet! Ewwwwwww! (crying) I just need a moment of silence. Mama help me! Mama help me please! (silence became) Killing him I didnt mean. (He was just a baby. N she was just a young mother.)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Young Luv (Mini Poem)

It wasnt enough that I luvd him but I cldnt leave. Young luv, wld do nethng just 4 us to b. Wasnt enough that he lied to me. Didnt care as long as he was there n er'one knew who he was to me. My mom said leave him. Daddy said dnt believe him n sister said dont play the fool. I wish I wld've listened then so I wldnt b in heaven talking to u.
(Young Luv)

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

I'm Out (Mini Poem)

For yrs I have sat here n let u control my life, w.o even being yo wife, the abuse I cant take no more. I'm taking a stand, putting my life in HIS hands and finally grabbing my things n hitting the door. C sumtin' wrong or if u got a problem, I suggest u take it up with the MAN. I deserve much better, me n u r no good ...togther, n I know death at ur hands was not part of HIS plan.

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

That's Luv (Mini Poem)

As I sat there, bedside, looking down upon u. Inside my mind, deeply crying and thanking God for showing me truth. A man u r, my friend u r, my luvr and my smile. So glad that God had told me that waiting 4 u was worthwhile. I'm thankful, truly thankful for the luv I have wit u. So thankful that my father God made all ...my dreams come true. "That's luv"

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Make No Mistake (Mini Poem)

Make no mistake, I luv u. But just as I luv u, I can leave u. U find rite in cheatin n lieing. Well u aint the only one...nigga me too. Make no mistake...Im no fool. Bcuz I keep a closed mouth means nuttn. Think u gettn ova on the things u do. Me pretending to know nuttn, please Im just frontn. Im a woman n things come... to me so easy. Make the mistake, try me again n we'll c who'll b cryin don't leave me.

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

What Come to Mind

I'm a writer. I love to write about in and everything. I seem to think that there's more going on out there in the world that we see. I seem to think that people sometimes sugar coat the real to keep from expressing their true feelings and also to keep from hurting the feelings of others, because I did. I like it RAW!

I think things can be told by getting straight to the point and so I've written mini poems right on the spot on my FB status and now I'm sharing them with you guys! So you'll see them pop up here and there. Feel free to comment on anything you see here.

Have a Blessed day!

Powerful Piece (Mini Poem)

Here we go again, his hand in my pants, where is my mommy now. My voice drowned out, he ignored my ouch n on me he's doing his thing. My cries don't mean nuttn, my backside he's rubbin n to him it's just games n fun. But one of these days I'll look to him n say, "How could dad. I'm ur son." -Powerful Piece

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Powerful Piece

Here we go again, his hand in my pants, where is my mommy now. My voice drowned out, he ignored my ouch n on me he's doing his thing. My cries don't mean nuttn, my backside he's rubbin n to him it's just games n fun. But one of these days I'll look to him n say, "How could dad. I'm ur son." -Powerful Piece

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

"Crazy"

I don't know we do some of the craziest things in relationships, but we do. Here is my newest poem that I wrote. I hope u like it:


This is crazy and I don't understand it. How can you be so in love one day and then the next just call it quits. It makes me sick. Sick so much that I don't want anything to do with it. Sick so much that I can't even ignore it. My stomach muscles tighten from the thought of just who it is. This thing you do is just crazy. Should I say out of your mind, kinda trifflin' a bit or just plain out crazy. Is it just the easy way out, something that's painless or is it just lazy. Just yesterday I was your baby. This thing you do makes me hate. I never wanted to feel like this. My lips seem to feel like they've never been kissed and my body…oh my body it's just lying there…unspoken for…motionless…crying out…unsafe. In such a rage, my love feels like calling this rape. Yes rape...because you took from me. Took my comfort, violated my trust, betrayed my feelings and now justice is a must. This thing you do is so uncalled for. It scares me. It tears me and it leaves me on edge. Where are my choices? You literally took from my decisions, no stated facts, straight lies deterring their voices, it's uncalled for. Do you not get it? It is crazy. The strength to get up and leave is right there but you ignore it and you beg me to understand but I can't. Because I do understand…I left you. It may of just been the right thing to do and the right time. You see my love is not blind and I see through the heartless, painful, sickening things you do. But you tell me that your love is like no other and the two of you is out of convience and you're not thinking of her, just a way out but I don't believe it.

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Dead Beat Baby Mama!

So I'ma dead beat ass nigga, then wut that make you. Oh, cause my kids live with you that make it right to do the things you do. I mean, you stay out all night long and leave my eight year old daughter to watch the kids. You wonna introduce them to this wack ass nigga when you don't even know who he is. Every nigga you meet is now their new daddy. I can't believe you had the nerves to even call me a phukin' dead beat. Yo' hair done but what about theirs? You all dressed up but don't give a damn what they wear. Wonna trip out on me and say you don't want yo' kids around my ol' lady. Too scared they'll see what a real woman is and realize that mama ain't really been wut mama should be lately. I mean you always wonna come down on a brutha, I mean I pay my child support and I do what I can. You want to come down on me about ever lil' thing, don't ask but demand but I ain't yo' man. My responsibility is to take care of my kids. The only thing that I'm concerned about is their well-being and making sure they have a cool spot to live. If I was a dead beat ass nigga I'd been and called DHS on yo' ass. If I was that nigga I'd been and distanced myself from yo' trifflin' ass. I mean you always wonna come down on me and make sure the lights not shining on you. Some nigga's can be dead beat but there are some dead beat ass baby mama's too.

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Family vs. the Enemy

Such a shame and so hard for one to believe. The pain one feels from their own family vs. the pain from the enemy. I mean they say blood is thicker than water but sometimes you can't trust your own mother or father. A lot of people become discouraged, mislead and neglected at the hands of those closest to them. Most of them rather see you sink than motivate you to swim. Family is suppose to be those you can turn to in your time of need, those who comfort you, wants what's best for you and push you to succeed. But it don't seem like it cause sometimes it seems as they are against you. As much as we hate to admit it; it's the enemies hatred that sometimes uplift you. Family sometimes worry that you'll do more and become more when that should be their vision for you. Most times it can be jealously at the root of their actions if they would go ahead and speak the truth. It's hard to understand why when embarrased in their arms, their hug just seems to distract you. And when you stand up for what you believe in that they're the only one's not there to back you. But the enemy is constantly by your side showing the world that you're worth talking about. All up in your business, basically saying, "YOU'RE THE SHYT" out loud. It may be hard to understand why family treat you worst than the enemy. But let that be the reason you S-U-C-C-E-E-D!

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

"Secret"

There's a truth behind every lie. A meaning behind every word. Every day I hold myself accountable for the possibility of what my son might think as a result of the name I gave him, from all the foul talk that he's heard. But... no one really knows the thoughts that I have and the real meaning behind the name. You see for the past thirteen years I've been filled with guilt, mind combining words to make right of this but... still I feel so ashame and it's only me to blame. It's my duty to make known the truth but sometimes the truth don't always set you free. I mean it gets the heaviness off your heart and eases the pain you feel but keeping it real...it may not exactly stop the heartache and the tears, you see... they will still run and people will still talk and I may possibly lose a son and life then won't even matter and the truth will just be a word that ain't so right afta' and just like truth reveals...it also causes a woman to be battered. And sometimes a lie ain't so bad and is better kept that way. I mean truthfully how can a lie be called a lie if no one knows, so then it's really a secret and it feels as if the only way to go. I mean you can only tell a lie if when you speak the truth ain't being told so I'm actually set free. But what my secret does...it scares me and my mother, you see she knows but refuses to come right out and say and tell me I told you so…so she says nothing. But I beg her with my eyes and ask her with my actions and plead to her with my silence so that I'm not the one who has to tell him the truth. I want to pray but I can't. I don't know what to say when I get on my knees. I, I'm ashamed of what the Lord may say to me. I try to interlock my fingers but my knuckles began to hurt and I sometimes open my mouth but silence become my words and I go back to my secret… feeling it'll be better off if I keep it. And when the time is right I'm sure it'll find me but right now my secret you see she wines and dines me and tell me it's better this way. So my secret she'll stay.

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

Dream Phuk

I've been patiently waiting, secretly wanting...teased and taunted. So I wait there...deep in my shadowed thought and I wait there, hoping you don't walk pass me and see what I'm thinking. I stare. Imaginatively winking and putting together the words to say...words that express how bad I want your body. I probably shouldn't think that way. But the clouds have been removed and I see what she do and the sun has kissed my forehead...and now passion is burning inside me. We sex quietly.
No one knows my intentions and I think but don't mention and I've phuk'd you but you don't know it. I've touched you but you don't know it. See I...want you but you don't know it. Yes it's true but she won't split.
If only you would stop for just a minute and ask me. I would kiss your lips, caress your finger tips and suck yo' dick gladly. I mean...I ain't scared of where this could go...the possiblity of the bed or the flo' sounds good to me. My living womb and it's walls is the perfect place to hold such a masterpiece, your prized possession. You see the two of us needs to meet for what I need, which is a private lesson. See time is precious and I learn quick, bring your stamina and big dick...I'm ready for my test of questions. My replies will be what promotes me. My deep throat is what you'll remember mostly but when the sun dims and my passion begins to simmer. As every moment seems to pass us...I just want you to remember...I am waiting.

copywritten.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

In Memory of Jerrod "Robo" Shoals

Robo Shoals, my favorite cousin, passed in November 2008. Me and my cousin were best friends's. I miss him so very much. I can't believe it's almost been a year now. I wrote a poem to him that is very dear to my heart. I love him so much.

This is very hard for me but something I had to do. To express my deepest feelings of the love that I have for you. Last week when I got your phone call, you asked if I could come pick you up. We laughed for a moment and you expressed how you felt about leaving Oklahoma and I agreed by saying, "That's wuts ups." Your last words were, "I love you cuz and I'll be waiting on you." And they replay in my mind every moment that I think of you. At the moment I heard about your death I began to question God about why your life had to end. I wanted to know how someone could take away my cousin, the one I love… my best friend. It's crazy how one could be here and then the next minute they're gone. The fact that you're not physically present makes my life seem so wrong. We are extremely close and no one understands that but me and you. Your smile is a constant memory that plays in my head through and through. Shoals you remember me and the kids coming to see you at the Avalon? You a mess and you know it. You always had my back no matter what and you weren't afraid to let anyone know it. "This Shala ya'll", you would say, "This is cuz. This my baby." We stayed in touch no matter what… so you not being here is driving me crazy. Those daily phone calls, talking about our problems and thinking of a master plan. "You know me cuz I'm get down through there," is all I hear you saying. So loving, concerned and a friend you really are. I just knew that when I left Oklahoma you would be in the passenger seat of my car. But you know God has a purpose for everyone… everyone who is born must die. I know this… it only hurts cause you're family and that's the reason that I question Him why. I know you're in good hands now looking down on me, praying for me every moment of the day. Saying to your fellow angels above, "That's cuz. That's my baby, Shala."
Dear God, my cousin Robo is no longer here on earth… He's home residing with you. I ask that you take care of him and also that you see me through. Cause the pain of losing a loved one hurts deep within and it takes time to heal. I just ask that you comfort me and wrap us with your love and protection if you will. It just seems so hard to comprehend that he is no longer with me although I see his body lying here. Just give me guidance and the strength to move on and one day dry my falling tears. On you God I call, because on you I can depend. In your son Jesus name, Amen.

"NOT GUILTY"

it may have been just something for you to do but i can't say the same for me. you may of just wanted to see what would happen but it's something that will forever live inside of me. that Sunday morning, November 17, 2002 reminds me of what hate is. i still see the face of something so unforgiveable and the feeling of how could you in the presence of my three kids. i...wake up and do life but still your face forever lingers right in front of my eyes. i still have thoughts of why me. wanting to know what the fuck was on your mind. i was in my own home, minding my own business, trying to get my baby daddy to come back home. but as i go to answer the door...to my surprise his best friend stood there all alone. those words, "my car broke down. can i call my girl for a ride," still plays. i rewind my mind and ask what if i could go back to a few hours before the day. but you still stay...a constant reminder of never to trust anyone. you stood there and lied to me straight to my face and then just helped yourself to my pussy and a taste of my tits...with the help of yo' gun. didn't care that my panties held a maxi pad that caught the blood from my pussy walls. didn't care about the fear in my face as long as you could get away with it all. didn't care that my kids lay asleep just feet away from where you were forcefully raping their mother. and then for some sick reason you took a moment to imagine us as lover's, saying you wanted to be with me but didn't have the courage to ask. therefore i guess in yo' mind it seemed so right just to come and take a piece of my ass and have me to live with that and relive that day....after day, after day. i'm glad i had the courage to call 9-1-1 to see if they could put yo' bitch ass away. but that week, September 15-19, 2003...ten months after it all took place. arraignment, preliminary, testifying, arguments and then jury trial. i can still see you sitting there with that worried look upon your face. those thoughts probably came to mind of how they just may rape yo' bitch ass when they put yo' ass away. how yo' left hand will make a tight fist on his pocket and him calling you his bitch. i'm sure you imagined being fucked in the ass...just the thought alone should make you feel like i did...but that ain't what happened. time for deliberation and the judge tells me i can go for lunch and i did. when i returned you stood right at the doors looking me dead in my face with this smirk of relief. i got back to the court room only to find it empty, so now i'm really confused. my public defender ask'd, "you didn't hear the news?" i smiled with a smile of thinking jury trial will soon resume. "they found him NOT GUILTY," a moment of silence came and then left, "is there anything i can do?" i heard those words as i walked away...no tears, no emotion came across my face and you were still standing right there as i came down to leave the building. that second, that very moment...MURDER had now become my new feeling. you just take from me, violate me, disrespect my children and my home, leave me reliving that morning, causing me to feel suicidal and depressed and all they can say is NOT GUILTY. so you can just walk away a free man...no care in the world about my safety for exposing you. don't care if you do bodily harm once again for me telling the truth. don't care about my constant cries and possible bodily harm from the result of hatred, my pain and a kitchen knife. don't care that my feeling of being me is no longer...they just let you walk free. but what if i retaliated on yo' ass, killed yo' ass...i'm wondering how free will i be. what if i brought pain to your family, shot yo' ass in the presence of yo' kids? what if i stood there with that same funny as smirk on my face and showed no concern of what i just did. what if i just take yo' life...doing exactly what you did to me. i'm just wondering how "NOT GUILTY" would i be.

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels

I'm Here HE says...

Tired. Didn't fall asleep til' 1am this morning. Thinking. Thinking real hard about my future. Worried. It seems like yesterday I was worried to no end. Didn't know if I would ever stop worrying. Worry about everything. Wondering what if, why, when, how and who. But then...

Just then I ran me a warm bath and added a relaxation ball and laid my head back and chilled. Sat there for a few minutes and then my mouth opened and I began to talk. Talking to God. Talked as if it was the two of us sitting over dinner at the finnest restaurant ever known. I laughed and I could feel HIM laughing with me. My words flowed constantly. Saying things that I very so needed to get off my chest. For that 30 minutes or so that I sat talking.. at the end of it I smiled. I knew. Knew that it was only that we had a lot of catching up to do that this happen'd.

It was only that I was beginning to worry a lil' too much and HE needed to reassure me of...
Who HE is.
Why HE loves me.
How forgiving HE is.
When HE's available.
What if I just let HIM in my life.

After that conversation I just felt soooo much better. I smiled for the rest of the day. I've been getting off track lately, not reading my Bible how I should. Haven't been to church in a while. But now, after my talk with God... it's time. Time for me to rise and stand up and do what needs to be done and know that HE is with me every step of the way.

"I am Blessed! So I can rest and know that God is with me!"

Because Writing Is Comforting...

I have started my own "Expression Writing" site for others to write and share. Writing is my life and I think I'd be lost without it. Writing lets me create me, be who I am and who I want to be, share and heal.

If you love to write. Join me! This site is by invitation only, so send your email to me at shalasp@yahoo.com and put "Expression Writing" in the subject line and I'll be sure to send you the request.

Thanks!

I Mean This...

God is always on time. There is not one time I can say He has let me down. He loves me!

4th of July

Okay it's the 4th of July 2009... the day of the fireworks! I've been up since 4a cst this morning getting my day started.

-Not BBQ'ing
-Not firing up a grill
-Not seasoning meats
-Not preparing potato salad
-Not calling relatives
-Not getting wardrobe together
-Not fixing baked beans

WORKING!!! Yes! I scheduled myself to work on the 4th of July. But I scheduled myself from 5-9a cst so that I can get off early enough to enjoy the day with my children. I didn't have to work at all but there is money to be made. I can't wait to see what type of day we'll have. I was told it's against the law to pop fireworks in my new city but I guess we can go to a fireworks show.

All I know is this is a day that I will lay back & relax with my kiddos and enjoy the day and the sounds. As far as fireworks... don't know yet but we'll see.

Be safe!

Talking about...

Just got up and am getting the girls ready for camp and waiting on my son to get ready to. I have a long work day ahead of me today. It's the 4th of July weekend and we have NOTHING planned. I was told by my neighbors that it's against the law to pop fireworks here in the city of Dallas but it was like that back home in Oklahoma but people stilled popped them. She said you have to go outside of Dallas to even buy them so I don't know if that'll be happening.

I had a long day to work tomorrow but forgot that it was the 4th so kept my 5-9a hours and gave back the rest because I don't know how loud it will be around here. I guess we'll have hot dogs tomorrow with chips and drinks. I'm going to find something for us to do.

My girls will be leaving going to Kileen, Tx on Monday or next Wednesday. I'm taking them to their aunt's house for the rest of the summer. They just got home on the 29th of May but now want to go visit their other family. I'm really going to miss them but before they were 4 hrs away and now they'll only be 2 hrs away. My son is saying he's going to be super happy because he'll be the only one home and I guess he thinks he'll be spoiled to death. He's 15.. shooot he needs to be spoiling me. LOL, LOL

Well, gotta go for now. Have to work!

BET AWARDS

I’m sitting here on my couch waiting for the BET awards show to start. I’m so excited. I hear that it’s going to be special. I think they may pay a special tribute to the “King of Pop,” Michael Jackson. How cool is that? Mike Jack was and still is the shit. Now that’s one human being that will never be forgotten. People will be talking about this man for years, years and more years to come. I remember trying to perfect the moonwalk as a young girl and now my 15 year old son is doing the same thing. My 11 year old daughter is walking around with Mike Jack wallpapers on her PSP and my youngest daughter is watching reruns of his videos. I mean it’s Michael Jackson crazy around this house. I think the only reason we’re not all crying is because we’re still in shock. I mean it still doesn’t seem real. I’m sitting here wondering what performances will be going down. I know my favorite artist Usher will be performing. He has to because that’s the whole reason I’m watching it. LOL, LOL

I know. I need to grow up right. But still… I love him. He’s a great singer, dancer & entertainer. Besides that, he’s sexy as hell. You know one of the questions that I’ve always asked myself. Me, being plain ol’ me. I wonder if it’s possible for me to ever just bump into a celeb out of nowhere or meet one on say Twitter, Facebook and become friends with them. I mean I know I haven’t been in their life but how could I, we grew up in two different places. I mean you’ll never get to know someone unless you’re around them right. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen but I always think, how cool would that be. Who knows? They’ll probably be dying to meet me soon. I’m somebody to. I’m somebody that anybody should be dying to meet. I’m funny, cool to be around, love to travel, a writer, have smart kids and have great ideas. Well for now I’m getting ready to watch the awards.

Michael Jackson!!! R.I.P.

I was very sadden'd when I learned about M.J.'s death. My prayers go out to his family. I've been a very big fan of his for as long as I can remember. As a child I would be in the kitchen of our home trying to master the moonwalk (lol). I thought I was the best dancer when it came to dancing like Michael Jackson.

It's crazy though how one day a person is here and the next they're gone. And especially when it's someone close and it's one minute they're here and the next they're gone. We really never know the minute nor the hour of our death and we sometimes wait and put things off, like thinking of someone and saying, "I'll call them tomorrow." Who's to say you'll ever get that chance.

We don't realize how precious life is. Some of us spend so much time worrying about others, material things, how fly we look, what possessions we have, etc. You know, things that are left behind at the time of our death. Things that are left for others to brag about that you no longer have possession of. We don't think about the simple things in life. Things that matter most, like our loved ones, our relationship with God, our children's relationship with God, the moment.

There has been so many deaths around me in the past years and it makes me say to myself. What about now? What about right now?

The death of Michael Jackson was a shocker. Still at this moment, it doesn't really seem all that real and I guess that's only because I don't really truly know him, we're not friends, we're not family, etc. I can only imagine what his family is feeling. I really hope that this was a wake up call for us all. I only hope that we begin to live for now, what we have right now, what we can do right now, use what is available to use right now.

Do you right now. Smile right now. Laugh right now. Dream right now. Love right now. Care right now. Call them right now. Show them right now. Cry right now. Shout right now. Pray right now. Ask Jesus into your life right now. Help someone right now. Stop the violence now. Share Jesus right now. Hug your children right now. Make amends right now. Forgive right now. Tell therm you're sorry right now. Get help right now. Do what you can right now before it's too late.

Father's Day!!!

So it's Father's Day!!!

I've been up since about 1a. I moved away from home so I won't be seeing anyone today so therefore, I have some phone calls to make. The first being my grandpa. He is the most extraordinary human being. He's loving, very patient, hard worker, a wonderful husband to my grandmother and a great father to my mother & her siblings. My kids love him to death.

I must say though. I don't get by to visit enough. Not because I can't, I just don't go by there often and that's a shame. I have it in my head to but never make the time. I know it's really bad but there is no excuse. Now that I live 4 hrs away, calling is the only option except for when I go home to visit. I don't even call like I should.

Father's Day is one of 365 days in the year to show your father or the father figure in your love just how much you care about him. It shouldn't be just on this day that we do that. We should go all out every day, call and say "I love you" every day! Father's are very hard to come by so If you have one in your life, let him know how much you appreciate him being there....

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Dead Beat Baby Daddy

I am 100% sure that he is the father…..I ain’t got no reason to lie. Call me what you want if you will but it still don’t change thangs. They still yours no matter how you want to put it…she’s a hoe, a liar, she was a one night stand…I led first on the night train. Whatever you say don’t change the fact that they carry yo’ DNA. You can take me to court but the judge gon’ dismiss your case as soon as he see ya’ll face-to-face. You ain’t gotta lie “Craig” they yours and you know it. I still need my child support payments after you finish screaming that hoe bit. I’ll be whateva’ you want me to but these are yo’ kids and I’m still yo’ babies momma. I wish that night you held me real tight you woulda said, “I’mma dead beat” so we wouldn’t be even going through the drama. You want to put me out there, telling lies how you be doing this and doing that. We ain’t seen you, do we eva’ but you want everyone to think you’re the “World’s Greatest Dad.” A disgrace to the word father, a headache when we don’t need one, absent when you’re needed most, hi and bye when you finally come. I wish there were less fathers like you and more like the man who sees his kids daily, pick them up from school, sit down and help them with school work, making sure they kids eat, rub their stomach’s when it hurts…..attend conferences at the school house, buy shoes and clothes when they need em’, pay the rent when the rents do, let they kids come over when they want to. We just need more men who we can call responsible and less of those who don’t bother. Man, I am 100% sure that this man is my kids “Dead Beat Father.”

Molested... I Say:

It's so crazy! I sit here as I post this situation that happened in my life and think about all the other people in the world who has and still deals with the pain of abuse. Some people don't and some will never understand the feeling and that's a good thing. But what I do hate to see is people pass judgement when they themselves just don't have a clue.

When someone goes through this it does a lot of things to one's mind. I myself begin to have mixed emotions, I became what they called "easy." I began to look for love in all the wrong type of men. I began to have sex early and sex was like a need for me. My abuse took away my oral expression. I went for anything as sometimes I still do. I became distant. After having kids I'm scared for them constantly. My abusers face is a constant reminder of why I am.. me.

It doesn't belong to you! So why would you want to hurt someone that way. I mean I just don't get it. Just out of the blue this guy decided that he wanted to have sex with me as young as I was and even though I didn't agree, knew nothing about sex, was too young-he was going to do it anyway. I mean what gives a person such a right. He just didn't realize how he would change my life forever, not just for that moment.

Still to this day I'm very hurt by what happened but I know I can't just keep living it day to day. It still bothers me to this day because I surpressed it all until the age of twenty-one when I told my mother. After that I didn't really deal with it again. I never really wanted to. I always thought I was okay because I had moved on with my life. But really I wasn't. I got into an abusive relationship and all kinds of crazy stuff.

You know I still see this man often. Not that often now because I live in another state. I speak to him in passing because I'm trying to forgive so that he doesn't have power over my life but it's truly hard. My family still deals with him and talk to him and even though I do sometimes.. I use to wonder why would they. I stay frustrated a lot. Writing is like the only thing that soothes me when I start to feel angry, distant, worried, tearful and lost. Prayer is the only thing that gets me through.

I think it's very important that my children know my life story. I think it's very important for them to know that it's not only the strangers that hurt us. It's the strangeness of a people we know but we have yet to see. I let them know that if they feel uneasy about anybody to share it with me and I don't care if it's their father, my sister's, brother's, their sister's or brother's, friends, grandparent's, etc. I even tell them if I'm doing something that they don't feel is appropriate then tell their father, grandma, police, etc. Everyone is capable of hurting.

I also feel that it's very important that they are comfortable enough with me to tell me. Not saying that they will but I would hope they do. No matter how much I knew that my mother loved me I didn't tell. There are many reasons why.. scared being the first.

Those images inside of my head are there for life. They play a major role in my decision making which sometimes aren't that good but he (my abuser) is the cause for that. Yes I'm grown now but my past has grew with me. I'm hoping that by telling my story I can get it off my chest and maybe one day I'll be able to say to him, "I forgive you," so that I can start my life over. Maybe one day he'll say, "I'm sorry," but that day may never come.

So right now I'm just sitting here thinking about that and decided to share.

Journaling All the Days of My Life: Molested Cont...

Continuation from May 8, 2008 2:48am cst (it’s 12:19pm cst)…“Yeah, I’ll go” I said all excited because I knew he would let me drive. By this time and age, I had suppressed it all (the abuse). I didn’t want to feel the hurt and I didn’t want to hurt my family. So I endured it, time after time, after time. I hated to but I couldn’t tell my mom, “She would be so mad” is what I thought.

We got into the car, I had on a yellow, blue, and orange striped sun dress. Goth didn’t say much on the way over. Once we were there we both got out the car and went inside the house. He went in the back looking for something. I got some kool-aid out of the refrigerator to drink. I put my glass on the counter and walked over to the bar stool that sat next to the hallway entrance with my foot upon the ledge. It was time to go and there was a knock on the door. Goth went to the door and answered it.
“Hey man what’s up?” he said while leaving the door open as to say come in.
“Shit nothing, waiting on Jason to get home” Cliff replied.
“What’s up Shala” he said looking over at me.

I got really nervous. It was already a bad idea to be here alone with Goth but when Cliff came through the door it got worse. I began to shake a little. I don’t know why but I felt as if something just wasn’t right.
“What yawl doing over this way? I thought yawl were up to Buddies?” asked Cliff.
“Man shit, I just came over here to get this book that Irene wanted to show Late. Shala just rode along with me,” he said walking out the front door.

It wasn’t long before Cliff begin making his way over towards the stool I was sitting in. I scooted my butt backwards with my both my hands pressing down on the seat until my back came to a stop hitting up against the back of the chair. Cliff gave me this strange look as he put both his hands on both my knees and spreaded my legs. I started to breath heavy; heavy enough that he knew I was getting scared and feeling uneasy about this. “What do I do” I thought. I knew at that moment Goth would not protect me cause he looked at me the same way; he looked at me as this helpless little girl who he could take advantage of, rape over and over, a little girl who was scared and ashamed. I was stuck there not knowing at that moment what was about to happen. I didn’t know what to think as Cliff pressed his fully clothed body between my legs and up against my body without moving or trying to remove the panties that protected my vagina. His body moved left to right and as he started to breath heavily looking over my shoulder either at the wall or down the hallway was his only option. In my mind I started calling upon my mother, “Please don’t let him hurt me, mom please.” Those words replayed in silence for the next four to five minutes as Cliff got his rocks off by doing what he did.

Cliff backed away from me and walked out the front door and Goth came back in a few minutes later. I’m sitting on the stool in the bathroom with the door locked.
“Shashi, you ready to go” Goth asked.
“Yeah, I’m using the bathroom” I replied.
“Alright.”

I got up off the toilet and flushed it and started washing my hands. I stared into the mirror as my eyes began to water. I grabbed the top of my dress and wiped the tears away before they had time to fall. I got myself together, dried my hands and then exited the bathroom. Goth was sitting on the couch.
“You ready” he asked.
“Yeah” I said in relief.

Goth didn’t look as if he was ready cause he didn’t get up off the couch. As I started walking toward the front door he got up off the couch quickly.
“Come here” he said grabbing my waist with both hands.
“What?” I asked.
“Sit down right here,” he said backing me up toward the couch.
“No.”
“You want to drive don’t you?”
“Yeah!….No.” I said again pushing his body away from mine.
He pushed me back on the couch and pushed the bottom half of my dress up until it folded up on my stomach.
“C’mon now….stop,” I was saying demanding him to let go of me.

He pulled my panties down to my ankles and I couldn’t see his face anymore. My private started to tingle and I quickly moved back on the couch still trying to push away. Goth put his hands upon my waist and pressed his face on my private and started licking up and down. I could feel his hot breath as he breathed heavily.
“You like that,” he asked.
“Goth stop it!” I demanded.

He raised his head and looked up at me and said, “You better not tell nobody about this. You hear me? You know I be watching yawl.” I started to really panic and wonder what to do. “Go in the bathroom and wipe yourself up” he stated.

I got up and went back into the bathroom. I had been violated twice in one day. I was so heartbroken. I just had to tell my mom what he was doing to me. He scared me really bad with all the threats that he had made throughout the years. After I wiped myself we left out the house.
“You wonna drive?” he asked.
“Naw, that’s alright.”

I got in the car on the passenger side and slammed the door. I leaned sideways where my back was half on the seat and half on the door. I glanced over at him disgusted and then put my eyes directly on the place mat in the floor. We reached my grandmother’s house. I went in and asked my sister did she want to go outside. I had to do something to help me focus on something other than what had just happened to me.

After that day, things started to look up for me. I was still hurting inside but for some reason Goth never tried to touch me in that nasty way again. I thought maybe my mom found out (but she hadn’t) or maybe he had got a girlfriend to mess around with. I wasn’t sure at that time but I was glad. Now I could start living my life as a child. I could be happy once again. At least that’s what I thought.

Goth didn’t go away physically but him violating me did. No matter what I tried to do I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head for a long time. I went to bed thinking of the pain, woke up with it on my mind, played but still throughout out the day I couldn’t seem to lose thought of Goth and the way he violated me. I couldn’t tell anyone. Who was I going to tell? “Me and my cousin were really close but she may tell on me” is what I thought. I would just keep it to myself and maybe one day it would go away. I just couldn’t believe that he took my innocence.

Faith Test!!!

So, my kids have been home for about two weeks now. Things have been going really great for us. I've been working really hard because I'm a independent contractor and I work from home so I have to stay motivated.

I knew that I would be getting paid this week so I took the money that I had left from last pp's check and bought some food to last and a few household items. For some reason it didn't work that way. So the kids are saying, "Mother... we're getting low on food." I'm steady reminding them that I'm getting paid so we're going to be all good. My son is 15 so he has an apetite. But it's not just him, it's my girls too.

A few days ago I noticed we had a bag of beans, cornbread, tuna helper, a few can goods, kool-aid, tea, some bread & a few pieces of cheese. I'm like okay that'll hold us until I get paid. There was a knock at the dooor that day and it was my homegirls brother and he said, "what's up?" I let him know that I was working and the kids were playing. He asked if we wanted to go to CiCi's pizza and to the zoo. I told him that we wouldn't be able to make it because I was working. We started talking about the situation and he said, "order up some pizza and I'll pay for it." At that time I didn't realize that-that was saving us a day on food but I'm still thinking we all good.

That night as I laid down to sleep I said, "God I want to thank you for providing me & my kids with food to eat each and every day. I want to thank you for taking care of our needs. In Jesus name I pray."

Now during all this I lose my debit card which had money on it. Well I didn't notice until I got up to go to the store and get some sugar to make tea. Digging thru everything I seem to come up on almost $6 worth of change. I'm like, "thank you God." So the days pass and finally it's Sunday (yesterday) and when I looked in the cabinet there was nothing there but tea, a few packs of kool-aid and a bag of brown beans. The kids hate beans... and I know that's a strong word but they hate them. I told them to be thankful for what we have because they are very blessed to have that. My son looked in the cabinet and was like, "mom I found a can of chili please put it in the beans." I did and they ate those beans like they were going out of style.

So this morning we wake up to nothing. The kids are like what are we going to eat. I came to the kitchen and there was 4 bags of Ramen Noodles on the fridge. I said, "hey there's a bag of noodles for each of us on the fridge." They seemed to have their mouth out a little like dang that's all we have to eat. But again I reminded them that what we had was a lot compared to alot of people. Told them that, that wasn't all we had to eat because God will feed us every single day.

My girls are enrolled in camp so they went there and were able to eat lunch and a snack. My son is able to go up there aound 11:30a to eat lunch too but he's so worried about me he goes, "I'm cool mom. If you don't eat, I don't eat." I'm telling him to go eat lunch but he's still saying, "I don't have to eat mom if you don't." I'm telling him not to worry about me I'll be okay. He looks and me and says, "So will I." I let it go. Me and my son stayed home and the day went really well. Neither of us mentioned food but I called a few people to help me out. I really hate to ask my family even though I know they'll be glad to help us but I don't like them worrying too much. I ended up calling my sister today and she ordered pizza and had it delivered to us. She told me to make sure to call her if we needed her to order more tomorrow if my check didn't come. Being that my family is 4 hrs away from me I know it bothers them. But I know God is good all the time and He'll always be there for me. I've kinda learned to not stress too much-just pray. Sometimes that can be hard but it's always the best practice.

You know I must say that often I lose my faith in God. I know that all things are made possible thru He but when I'm going thru things it's just hard to focus on that. I do stress when I know I shouldn't but I'm really starting to trust Him more. I let my situation distract me when I should know that it's only temporary. I'm always praying to God about my needs when I need to thank him more. It was not too long ago that I talked to God letting Him know that I'm going to put my faith in him.. and this is one of many. My Faith Test!

God!!!

hey God,
i woke up this morning thanking you not in words but by smiling. i know that it's only thru u that i'm able to do that. i didn't get up this morning and pick up my Bible and read. it's been over a few weeks since i've even reached for it and that's shame on me. excuses, i mean there r plenty for me to come up with but i won't. cause whenever i need you, when i call upon you; you can come up with them too but you don't. i-i ask myself every day, how is it that i don't forget to pop in a Usher cd or watch my favorite t.v. show but when it comes to reading your word it seems as if it's always put on hold. i can tell everyone how good you are to me, all the blessings given to me and how you've helped me on my hardest days but i can't take the time to get to know you better, some days don't even take the time to pray. i just want to be honest here and shame on me so whoever says she's pathetic is just telling the truth. i know for a fact that if it took you a few weeks to come thru for me i wouldn't know what to do. as important as you are in my life i can't seem to stay on track with what i promise you. we all make our mistakes but it seems as if mine is always not knowing you. how can i instill in my children what i don't know myself. how can i share with them your love, the riches of knowing you when i don't get to know you myself. how can i be so hard on them about reading your word when they never see a Bible in my hand. there's no hiding, no denying cause my kids r old enough to understand. i have this feeling of wanting to do better. it's a must that i do. there's no love and no trust like the love and trust from you. i need guidance, knowledge and strength. i need passion, determination and will. i need a second chance, a fresh start at a relationship with you if you will. in your son Jesus name i pray, Amen!

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY?

You hurt me much more than words can explain... You took away my sense of happiness, took away the words I want to say... You took away what was suppose to be my virginity... It was mine, mine all mine... Now I'm stuck with seeing your ugly face right in front of mine all the time... I don't feel safe, I'm troubled, sometimes scared, leaving my children alone...How could? Why would you betray me in my mother's home... I give in so easy to men, all they have to do is ask... I became what they call "easy" because of the hurt from you in the past... Why? What did I ever do to you? Nothing. I was a kid... Because of you, I relive the hurt through and through... And I learned really early what hate is... You made me HATE you.

"Tell Me Again"

tell me again by the stroke of your hand thru my hair.the back of your hand down the side of my cheek.taste my carmel skin as your tongue massage my neck.smile when you say it again.let your fingers play a r&b love song on the small of my back.while the depth of your voice soothes me & make love to me while we lay.feel the silk of my skin as our bodies begin touchin'.tell me again by the way that we lay.you holding me as our bodies connect.the sweat drips from my neck from the heat down within and the flames burn passion, my curves begin asking for more.tell me again as our lips start to touch and our tongues play and we become one under the hot hidden sun and our thoughts get lost as we find our way thru the night back to the day.tell me again.

2009 Leukemiona Kelley-Daniels

My Unborn Children

Dear Unborn Child, i really owe you an explanation even though it may not change the pain. no i didn't have to abort you, it was just a choice that i made. at that moment i had an option to do something to better my life. so at that second i chose to abort you and to be honest i didn't think twice. but now it comes back to haunt me because now i'll never know the look in your eyes. never get to hear you say "i love you mommy," never get to hear the sound as you cry. never knew if you'd look just like me, your favorite color, school subject or food. never get to know what makes you laugh or cry... never will know the inner part of you. not fully deveolped but you were a Blessing that God put on the inside of me. and i did something that i'll never forget... i aborted my sweet little baby... not once, but twice.

2009 Leukemiona Kelley-Daniels

Wide Awake!!!

I didn't journal anything yesterday but I was chilling out with my kids and all. We laid in the bed all day watching all the past episodes of "Prison Break." When I looked up last night about 11:30pm everyone was sleep and I had dozed off-everyone except for my middle daughter. She was wide awake and still tuned in to see wut was going down. I had to make everyone get up and go to bed.

So this morning when I awoke it was 6ish and I got up out of bed and got myself together. I threw on some jeans got right in front of my computer. I didn't work any yesterday so I figured I'd start early. Before I did any of that I had to sign into my game Virtual Families and check on them and make sure they had food to eat. I love this game. I let my niece play while I was down getting my kids and she keeps calling me saying, "Auntie how do you spell that game?" She keeps trying to go online and play but I told her she has to ask her parents to buy it for her. A lot of these virtual games (online games period) are addictive and that is truly what I am.

Well, I'm wide awake right now and at my computer working. I will be back sooner than later.

Smiling like a kid in a Candy Store.....

So I left Thursday evening headed to Oklahoma to pick up my kids. I got to OKC about 4:30pm where I stopped off to visit my aunt & cousins. The ride itself was nice and the traffic wasn't that bad. 90% of the time I ride alone if my kids are not with me. Threw my Usher CD in the CD player and made a move. I ended up spending the night in the City and then got up the next morning about 10am and hit the highway headed to Tulsa.

It was nice to be there but it's just so dull. I stopped by my sister's house and played with my nieces for a while and then went over to my homegirl's house and spent the night. She rode out to my kid's house with me to take my daughter a swimsuit that she needed for the "fun day" she was having on the last day of school. My daughter just finished the 5th grade and will be going into middle school next year. I'm so proud of her as well as my daughter whose going to 2nd grade and my son who will be in the 10th grade.

So Friday morning I got up and headed out to her school because everything was starting at 9a she said. They had Chic-Fil-A for breakfast and then we all went into the gym where the kids got tattoos and ran around for a minute. I took my camera and got pics galore as well as videos. While attending this fun day I ran into a school mate of mines whose son's attended the same school. Me, her and her friend sat around chatting and taking pics of the kids.

Their fun day consisted of a water slide and a few other blow up fun things. They did tug-of-war which was fun to watch. I'm really glad I made it down to hang out with her. I sat and ate lunch with my youngest and then got them out of school early. We went over to their house and got some of their clothes and as soon as my son got home from school and got his things together we got out of there. We left about 4p and didn't get home til' about 10pm because the traffic on 35 was crazy. It's only about a 4 hour drive but that's not what we experienced on the way back.

It was a good thing though cause we were talking, laughing and listening to music. We all were so tired when we got back home. Now we're trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm so happy they're home and they're happy to be home.

Until I refresh my thoughts... talk lata'

Journaling All the Days of My Life: Molested!

May 8, 2009 2:48am cst

I’m working as usual. I’ve been up since 11:10pm trying to make money. Today was one of those boring days. I sat up in the house all day because the schedule came out three times today and I had to make sure I had hours for the work week. I won’t be going to bed til’ about 4am. I’m surely going to have to get me some rest tomorrow. I have a long weekend ahead of me.

Today I spent a lot of my time thinking about my kids as I do every day. I was just telling my girl Sharika that I can’t wait until they get here. I have exactly 21 days before I see them and I know they can’t wait. I’ve never been away from my children for an extended period of time so this is hard on both of us. I’ve been trying to talk to them but their stupid dad won’t let me. I’ve called and left messages with both my home and cell number asking him to let the kids call but he won’t. He’s mad at me and for that reason, he involves the kids which is stupid but hey. Just three more weeks of the madness and I’ll hear, “Shut up. Mom! Get her. Get him. Tell them to leave me alone.”

Since I found out that my license are suspended I’m gon’ ask someone in my family if they can bring the kids home. I don’t know how far that will get me but I can try. I’m planning some things for us this summer such as a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge and Six Flags. We’ve never been to either one as a family. They’ve never been period but I went to Six Flags when I was about 12.

Sometimes I hate having this emotional battle within myself. It has truly destroyed my life and maybe because I let it but it isn’t my fault. Yes, people tell me all the time that I have to get over my past but it’s easier said than done. There’s no getting over what I haven’t dealt with. My past pain eats at me every moment of the day. I try to keep myself busy a lot of the time. I go from one project to another. I write, write, write about my past pain to keep from having my emotions balled up inside. I travel through those horrible nights every now and then. I remember it like it was yesterday…

I was asleep in my mother’s bed. It was late at night and my mother had went out. She was comfortable with leaving us with a friend of the family (who was kinda like a brother to her) who lived just a few houses down and had been working for my grandfather.

I awoke…..and when I did I was kinda fighting for my breath. It felt as if someone threw dead weight on top of me. My eyes grew big in size, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or feeling.

“Shhhhh” he said just as he noticed I was awakened and in shock.

He began to put his penis inside my little body. I was still in shock, looking over to my right to see that my sister was lying next to me.

“Shhhh” he repeated as his put his finger to my lips. He could tell that I wanted to scream. He continued to push himself inside of me until he did. I went into an open-eyed coma, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, fighting for my breath, motionless.

I snapped back to reality after a few minutes. He was still laying there on top of me pushing, constantly looking to his left to make sure that my sister didn’t move. Then the key began to turn to unlock the front door. He hurried up and removed himself from on top of me. Quietly but in a hurry he said, “Pull up your panties and go to the bathroom.”

I jumped down from the bed and walked fast into the bathroom to fix myself. When I looked down there was a milky white substance in my panties.

“Hey!” I could hear him saying to my mom. They were carrying on in conversation.

“Are the kids sleep?” my mom asked.

“Yea, Shala just went into the bathroom” he replied.

At that moment I wanted to run out and grab my mom and hold her so tight and never let go, but instead I walked back into her bedroom and climbed into bed. That night I wondered if my sister had heard him, felt him, ignored what was happening, pretended to be sleep, scared to say something or was she just so deep in sleep that she never heard or felt a thing.

That next morning was like any other morning. I got up brushed my teeth, washed my face, ate my cereal, got dressed, did my chores and went outside. Life became dull to me that day. The sun didn’t shine the same, the birds sang a song of pain and my thoughts became isolated in my mind, never to be revealed.

“Why?” I kept saying to myself in thought. I was too young and innocent. I had a good life until then….at that very moment I knew that what had happened wasn’t good. I thought “Maybe I should say something,” but I was too scared. Yea, right….who was going to believe me. I was too young, maybe my mom would think I was just making up lies to keep her from going out. But why would I do that, she didn’t go out that much as it was. Maybe I’ll just keep it to myself and no one would have to be mad at me.

I continued to play with my cousin and sister, pretending to be normal. I didn’t realize it but I began to walk with my head down at such a young age. I began to shy away from communication (oral expression). I lost the words that expressed my feelings. I began to hate who I was as a person, I felt so dirty. I felt as if I was unprotected at all times, I felt ashamed and hurt all at the same time. I didn’t know to call on God back then. I didn’t know how to call upon anyone. All I know is that my innocence was being taking over and over. It continued to go on for years.

Just when I thought it was over, Goth was up to my grandparents with everyone. He asked if he could drive my mother’s car over to the house to get something. We rode with him at times and I guess it would seem kind of strange for us not to, especially now that I was trying to learn to drive. I was about twelve now and more interested in learning to drive than anything.

“Shashi, you want to ride” Goth asked?

Journaling All the Days of My Life: Blood Test Madness

Continuation from May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)…One evening sometime in August 1994 my phone rang and it was my cousin Keshawn asking me who was D’Wahn’s dad. Now that was kind of odd to me because everyone knew that Gavin was his dad, even him. I asked, “Why?” My cousin stated that he had a homegirl who was at his house right then saying that her boyfriend Thyler has a baby by this girl name Shala. I said back to my cousin, “You know who my baby is by so don’t be calling my house with no bullshit. If she says it’s Thyler’s then it is.” My cousin replied, “I thought Gavin was his dad?” I instantly got pissed at my cousin for doing that. I really couldn’t though because it was the truth. But everything had been going perfect for the past five months and here he come with this. I got mad and hung up the phone in his face.

Not even ten minutes passed and my phone rang. I answered, “Hello.” It was Thyler asking if it was me. When I said yes he went off screaming, “You b****, you knew he wasn’t my baby. You lied to me and my family. You slut. That’s why you let that other nigga name my baby. I want a blood test you b****.” Then he hung the phone up in my face and he had every right. I didn’t call him back but I immediately called my cousin and cursed his ass out for calling me with that girl.

About two to three weeks later, Thyler called and said that he scheduled for a blood test for September and asked if we could make it. My mom said that she would get us there. I didn’t tell anyone but Synder and my friend Andreya about this. Now when the day came I was at school. I was called out of class by my mom and when we got to the car Thyler was sitting up front with D’Wahn in his lap. I got into the backseat of the car and he handed him back to me. He wouldn’t say anything to me. I’m pretty sure that he was heartbroken but I thought I did what was right which was telling his mother. Maybe what would’ve been right would’ve been to tell him.

When we reached the Children’s Hospital, we went to the back information desk and found out that the cost was $500.00 which he paid. We were told that his mother had to be there because he was under age, so my mother left and went and got his mom. When both of our parents got back we were able to continue taking the blood test. Once we left there and Thyler had nothing to say to me.

About a month had passed. It was about the first week in October when I got a letter in the mail from the blood test facility stating that Thyler was excluded as being the father of my son. I was not in shock at all because I knew that Gavin was his father. Around an hour after I got my results in the mail my phone rang and it was coming from Thyler’s house. When I answered the phone his mom was on the phone screaming and saying, “Yes, I knew that he was our baby. I knew that was my son’s baby.” I just sat there for a moment until she calmed down. She continued shouting, “I told you Shala. I told you he was ours.” A few moments later I said to her, “I’m sorry but you’re reading the paper wrong. It says that Thyler is excluded from being the father meaning that he’s not the father.” There was complete silence. I could tell that his mother’s feelings were so hurt. I was hurt at this point. Thyler and his family had been so good to my son. He was the best father a child could ask for. But no matter what, he was not the father. I then said to his mother, “Remember, I told you he wasn’t.” She replied, “I didn’t want to believe it because he looks so much like him.”

Now that we knew Thyler was not the father we both went on with our lives. He didn’t call us and we didn’t call him. It was Christmas day of 1994 and I got a phone call. Thyler’s mom was on the other end of the phone stating that they had some things for D’Wahn for Christmas. I couldn’t believe they had got my son things from Christmas even after all the blood test madness. That evening I took him over there and as soon as we walked in the door Ms. Darian held her hands out and said, “Come over here to your granny.” She said she was so amazed at how big he had gotten over the past month or so. When Thyler came and saw us in the living room he began cursing at me saying, “What you want? That ain’t my baby. My momma is getting ready to have a grand baby in a few months. You don’t need to come to my house anymore. I’m gonna have my own son.” His mom asked me not to pay him any mind. And his brother told him to calm down. His mother continued to play with D’Wahn and then his brother asked me to come to the back and get the clothes they bought him. After a few hours of letting his family visit with D’Wahn I gathered all the things they had for him and we said good-bye and left. After that day I never saw or spoke to them again until seeing Ms. Darian at the doctor’s office. When I noticed who she was I spoke and she said, “Is that D’Wahn walking?” I smiled, “Yep.” She said, “He sure is big and he still looks like my son. I don’t care what that blood test say.” Ms. Darian passed not too long after that and I didn’t see Thyler for years after that and when I did, he never spoke.

Journaling All the Days of My Life: Proud Daddy!

Continuation from May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)… For the next six months I continued to go along with everything. I continued the relationship with Thyler’s family because after I told his mom, he never questioned it. But you do reap what you sow.

One evening my phone rang and it was Thyler calling.
I answered, “Hello.”
“Is Shala in?”
“This is she,” I replied. “Who’s this?”
“Thyler. What’s up?”
“Nothing, getting D’Wahn dressed.”
“Do you feel like taking momma to the store?” he asked.
“Yea…”
“I gave momma some money so she could buy him some stuff.”
“Okay, I’m waiting on my friend Andreya. When she gets here we’ll come over there. Can you give me about an hour?” I said.
“Alright. I’ll be gone but I’ll tell here to be ready. I’ll see ya’ll when ya’ll get back,” he replied.

We hung up the phone and I continued getting my son dressed to go. When Andreya arrived I asked her if she could take me to Thyler’s house. By this time a few of my friends knew the situation but Gavin didn’t or if he did I didn’t know. When we got there Thyler’s mom asked us to take her K-Mart to go shopping for her grandbaby. She was happy to see him. Every time he came over she had a smile on her face. “He sure is getting big,” she said smiling looking in the back seat, “What granny’s baby been doing?” Ms. Darian looked over at me, “Thyler is so happy about being a father. He even went out and got a job. He gave me this money and asked if I would go with you to get D’Wahn some things he needed.” I smiled and said, “I really appreciate this.” Ms. Darian never asked me again about the other guy and she never treated me different even after me telling her that D’Wahn was not her grandchild. Everyone in his family took to my son. Whenever we stopped by to visit he was spoiled rotten.

We looked around K-Mart and Ms. Darian said, “Thyler said to get him a playpen, bouncer, walker and some toys to play with. Oh and get him some diapers, bottles and some bibs for the house. Does he have enough diapers and stuff at your house?” “Yes!” I replied. His mother walked up and down the baby aisles, “They sho’ have some cute things in here.” She put her arms out and D’Wahn reached for her. She took him out of my arms, “Yo’ daddy is gon’ have your butt spoiled to death ain’t he.” It felt weird hearing her say those things. When we dropped her off Thyler came out to the car and peeped his head through the window, “What’s up man?” D’Wahn sat in his car seat smiling and cooing. “You want to spend the night with daddy boi?” he asked him as if he could say yes. “Let me see em’ Shala,” he said stepping back from the car giving me enough room to get him out the back seat. Once he got em’ out the car he didn’t want to give him back, “Let em’ stay for a while,” he said wiping D’Wahn’s chin with his bib, “You look too cool dude. Where his hat at?” I reached into the back seat and grabbed his hat and handed it to him. “So when do you want me to come back and get him,” I asked. “Maybe about 9 o’clock tonight or so,” he said putting D’Wahn’s hat on, “He gon’ chill with his dad for a while.” I got back in the car, “Alright. Call me.” “Hold on,” he said, “I forgot I have some more stuff for him in the house.” He took D’Wahn in the house and came back out with two more bags, “His uncle got this stuff for him today. He got stuff here so take this with you.” I couldn’t believe this, “Thyler he has too many clothes,” I said looking in the bag. “My son can’t never have too much,” he replied.

When I got home I told my mom about what had just taken place. I told her that I felt so bad. I asked why were they constantly doing things for my son if he’s not biologically his. I got to the point where I didn’t let it bother me anymore. I knew that I had been honest with his mother and I knew she had told her son. I thought to myself that maybe Thyler just wanted a baby.

Thyler did a lot for my son and Gavin didn’t do too much. He had a new girlfriend and wasn’t paying my child that much attention. Plus I had started hearing from people around town that he was denying my son. He had never denied him to me but there were rumors. Thyler was the one who made sure all his needs were met. I would ask Gavin to keep him here and there and to get milk and things sometimes so that he wouldn’t be so suspicious on why I didn’t need his help.

One day my phone rang and it was Thyler. He asked me could we put D’Wahn in his last name and take a family photo. I was kinda lost for words. I’m thinking to myself, “This man wants to put a child in his last name who is not biologically his.” I told him that I would think about it. A few days later I took D’Wahn over to Thyler’s and dropped him off for the night. Well, that next day I went to pick my son up and Thyler’s girlfriend was over (this was my first time seeing her). I don’t know why but I felt a little uneasy seeing her. I didn’t know who all Gavin knew so I got my son and left.

Bored out of my mind....

I'm sitting here bored as anyone could possibly be. I thought I was going to get up and go to my dad's house but he slept in all day because he didn't get off til' this morning sometime. I think I may get up and go over there in just a lil' while. They BBQ'd the other day and BBQ sounds good right about now.

I'm kinda tired since I didn't get home til' about 2am. I hung out with a friend of mine watching the game at her brother's house. She's really hillarious and she tries to get me out the house sometimes. I played two hands of dominoes and I was kicking a**. But I was on the losing end in the second hand.

I have 2.5 more days and my kids will be back with me for good and I'm so excited about that. I may get up and drive to Tulsa either tomorrow or Thursday morning. It may be after Thursday at 8am because the schedule rolls out and I need some work hours for next week. I guess I'm going to try and work nights into the early morning so that my children will be sleep I'm hoping. I think 11p-7a may be better for me. Right now, I'm working all over the place.

I just wanted to say a lil' something today. I'll be back later. If not, I'll be back on Saturday when I get back from out of town.

Journaling All The Days of My Life: Dad 1 & Dad 2

Continuation from May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)… So I knew hearing his mother say that meant that she really must’ve thought my son looked like her son. What did this mean from me? I knew that this was going to be problems. I sat thinking why am I letting them see him? Didn’t I already tell Thyler this was not his baby? What if Gavin finds out? What am I going to do? I was nervous as hell.

That day I just went along with what was going on in the living room of my home. Thyler and his family stayed about an hour and right when they got up to leave he pulled me to the side. He looked at me in my eyes and said, “Shala he is really handsome. He looks just like me. I’m going to do everything for my son. All you have to do is get his milk. Did you like the clothes I left for him yesterday?” “Yea, thanks for everything.” I replied. As he left out the front door he looked back at me and said, “I’ll call you when I get home.”

I didn’t know how hard the next few months would be. Gavin called every day to check on his son and Thyler did too. About a day had passed and I called Thyler’s mom. I told her that I needed to speak with her about the baby. She started off about how cute he was and how he looked just like her son. She said that Thyler talks about him all the time.

“So when are you going to bring him over?” she asked.
“Ms….I don’t know how to say this,” I said in this low tone.
“Say what?”
“Thyler’s homeboy told him that I was pregnant by him I’m sure. He called me once when I was three months and asked about me being pregnant. I told him that I was but I wasn’t pregnant by him but by this guy named Gavin. I guess he never paid me any attention,” I told her continuing on with the story.
“He never mentioned any of that. He just told me that he had a baby on the way.”
“D’Wahn isn’t Thyler’s son,” I said taking a deep breath. I can bring yawl all the stuff that was brought for him back if you want me to.”
“Girl nah, keep that stuff. I think he looks just like Thyler. Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yea. He looks just like Gavin, Ms. Darian.”
We continued talking about the situation and finally got off the phone. I was thinking that I probably wouldn’t speak to them again once she told her son.

When D’Wahn was eleven days old I let him go and spend the night with Gavin. I was kind of nervous but extremely tired. When he came to pick him up he was more nervous than I was. He asked all kind of questions like what to do when he’s crying, how long does he stay up at night and so forth. I guess if I was in his shoes, I would’ve been asking questions too. He wasn’t the only one asking questions though. I asked did he know how to change him, does he have everything, what time would he bring him back. He told me not to worry that his mother and father was there to help him.

The next day Gavin brought D’Wahn home and when he looked in the closet he asked where he got all the clothes and stuff from. I told him that my aunt bought it and left it at that. I never thought to tell him about Thyler because I knew it would cause more trouble and I didn’t want him to start doubting my son cause there was no reason for him to.

My thoughts about Thyler not calling didn’t last long. He called regularly to check on D’Wahn. About a week later he and his family came over. He had brought a few more of his family member’s with him this time. They were so happy about Thyler having a baby. I was tripping out because I knew that this would not be going on with what I told Ms. Darian. Thyler’s brother said, “Man! He looks exactly like you. He got your color and everything.” I kinda sat off to the side a lil’, my heart was beating fast. The whole time they were over I was thinking about Gavin showing up at the door. Right then and there would’ve been the perfect opportunity to pull Thyler to the side and talk about my son-not being his.

After they I laid my son down for a nap. He was worn out from all the kisses and hugs he’d received. Not too long after I went in to check on him and he was not breathing. I took him out of his baby bed and patted him on the back a few times. He began coughing a lil’ after getting his breath back. I was so nervous and yelling for my mother at the same time. I called to make him a doctor’s appointment.

The next day I took him to the clinic, spoke to the doctor about what was going on. I let the doctor know that he would throw up his food a lot of the time as if he was having a hard time keeping it down. The doctor had me to take him over to St. Francis hospital where he was admitted. They kept him in the hospital for almost a week long. His esophagus was not the size it should be causing his food to come back up when he would eat.

This was a stressful week for me. I was a new mother at the age of seventeen. My son was barely month old and already he was in the hospital for issues that I had no idea about. I was getting my first real taste of being a mother. I called Gavin and he came up to see him just about every day. The doctor finally came in at the end of the week to let us know that he was going to release D’Wahn but before we could take him home we had to take a CPR class with one of the nurses.

The nurse came in and gave a class to teach us about how to care for D’Wahn once we got home. During this time we found out that he was being discharged with a breathing machine and that’s the only way he could leave. When we asked how much it would be she said $125.00. I didn’t’ have that type of money and Gavin didn’t either. I sat there for a while not knowing what I was going to do. I tried asking my mother who didn’t have the money at that time either. What I did next shouldn’t have happened but I called Thyler. I told him what was going on with D’Wahn. He told me to have my mother come and get the money but was mad at the fact that I didn’t call him and let him know he was in the hospital. At this point I still didn’t understand why Thyler was still trying to be a part of my son’s life. I didn’t know why he didn’t confront me about the phone conversation me and his mother had.

Later that day I took my son home and he continued to have two fathers for the next six months. I started working when my son was about 4 months at the Community College as a clerk. One day I had dropped my son off with Thyler while I went to work and when I came to pick him up one of my school mates was there. I was instantly nervous because not only was he a school mate but he was Gavin’s friend and I knew he would tell. I entered the house and Gavin’s friend looked at me and said, “What’s up? What you doing over here?” I kind of put my head down and Thyler replied, “This is my son’s mother.” Gavin’s friend from school looked at me like shame on you but didn’t say anything else. I rushed Thyler to get my son’s things together so that we could go. I left in a hurry and he never questioned why. I knew when I got home my phone would be ringing off the hook but it never did.

At this time both Gavin and Thyler were babysitting D’Wahn when I had to work. Gavin had a new girlfriend who he was spending most of his time with so his son was 2nd priority but he did come through from time to time. thyler had a girlfriend too but I had never met her but still he made sure that D’Wahn’s needs were met every single time and I think I got use to that. He actually seemed more like the father than Gavin, who biologically was. I was kinda upset at this point. Even though I was still in love with Gavin I started saying to myself, I wish Thyler could be my son’s biological father. I know it was a bad thing to think but he was there and what mother would not want someone in their child’s life who really wants to be there.

"Get A Life"

Who are you to tell me that I'm not who I am?
Whenever did we wake up with the same thoughts, in the same body with the same attitude on life on the same day?
Because I don't feel how you feel does that make you feel any better than I do?
Because you see one way and I another, does that mean my eyes don't see truth.
You got a slick ass mouth and all you speak is negativity, what I can't be and what I can't do.
Not to judge but by the likes of it if I followed you, I would be a damn fool.
My life is my life and when you begin to realize that, then maybe you'll unburden your soul.
Trying to live my life and live yours life too. That's just not the way the world goes.
If you took the time to focus on what's surrounding you then you wouldn't have so much time to dictate what I need to be doing.
You wouldn't be so concerned on my finances, my love life, my ups and downs, who I'm seeing or who I'm screwing.
Business-I dare you to get some. As a matter of fact I dare you to live your life, be you, do you.
There's only one me. I make my own life decisions. Don't focus on me for yourself a better life you should envision.

-Leukemiona Daniels (2009)

This Day of Mine...

I right now am extremely tired. I did go to bed quite early last night because my work shift started at 5:10a this morning so I was up at 4:50a. I knew that I had to work 13 hrs today which has been hard for me cause I don't usually work this long. I've been sitting in my living room all day long taking calls which is not a bad thing being that I'm the only one here.

I was feeling kinda down because my sister , my cousin and my step-daughter had graduations today and it would've been kinda cool to go and see that. I know I coudn't of been all three places at once but I wish I could've attended one. Well at least my children get to go to the City to attend my cousins. My lil' sister and step-daughter are finally going to high school. I know where my step-daughter is going but I'm not too sure about my sister. I'm hoping she'll come down to visit for a few weeks or so this summer. I'm going to try and get her and my other sister's kids down for a lil' bit.

My kids are so excited about coming to Texas. I think I'm more excited than they are. We have never been apart for this length of time and it was beginning to have an effect on me. I will never let my kids be away from me this long anymore but it seemed like the best thing for them at the time which turned out to be completely wrong.

I got on twitter this morning trying to figure out how to get followers. I'm really diggin' the site now as I didn't really understand it when I first signed up. I don't really get on too many social networking sites or anything anymore because I've sat up here and got myself hooked on virtual games (CSI and Virtual Families). I'm on playfirst and bigfishgames sites like almost every day. I like those cause I can play those games in between calls while I'm working-helps the time past by.

I was sitting thinking of going to a movie which I know won't happen today. A friend of mine keeps bragging on Star Trek so I may just have to go and see what he's talking about. I'm not really a Star Trek fan but he says you don't have to be to watch the movie. I usually go to the movies a lot because I haven't quite found myself anything else to do.

Well, let me get up from this computer for a hot second and fix my tuna caserole and cornbread to eat when I get off at 10p. Maybe I'll be able to grab something in between calls.

Be back later or tomorrow. Chao.

Journaling All The Days of My Life

May 7, 2009 5:55am cst

I just got up about 20 minutes ago and made me some coffee. Now I just sat down at the place where I sit every morning, evening and night to work. I just pulled up the schedule to see if there were any hours available but they’re not. Schedules post at 8am cst so I want to make sure I’m sitting right here in front of my computer and ready to click, click, click.

I must’ve been really tired last night because I think I went to bed around 9:30pm and that’s another reason why I’m up so early. Yesterday I took myself to the movies. I went to see Obsessed and X-Men Origin Wolverine. Obsessed was a pretty good movie but I loved Wolverine. It’s a must see for my kids when they come home.

I talked to my sister Quita yesterday and she said that her and her family may come down to visit the weekend. I really hope so because I’m so bored. I don’t know anyone. I don’t go to clubs. I just sit up in this house day in and day out. It’s not really a bad thing if my kids were home. I’m thinking that if my sister comes down we can go skating, bowling and out to eat. Them being here will give me a real reason to go out and do something. I really miss my family a lot. I miss the ability to get up and go and see them in less than 10 minutes if I wanted to. Now I’m 4 hours away and have to drive miles to get to them. I’m at peace though. The only thing that really gets to me is not hearing my kids voices in the house.

Journaling All The Days of My Life: Baby Daddy Drama

Continuation from yesterday, May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)…. The fact that Gavin had showed up meant a lot to me. He looked over at me lying in the bed in pain.
“Shashi, you alright?” he asked.
“Yea…Ready for the baby to come.”

Karen was standing next to my bed and fixed my covers, pulling them closer to my face. He had to go behind her pulling the covers down a little joking with Karen, “Dang, don’t smother her.” They both fell out laughing. It was funny to me also but I was in pain and wasn’t in the mood for laughs.

The nurses continued to come in and out checking on me and the baby. I finally dilated enough to where they could give me an epidural. In order to get it I had to be really still because they had to insert a needle into my spine. Once this was done the pain decreased a whole lot. Time was really moving by and now I was beginning to feel like I had to push. When the nurse came back into the room she checked me and said, “She’s ready. Only two people can be in the room when she delivers.”

Gavin stayed beside me holding my hand the whole time. My mother was there giving her support. I don’t think my grandmother ever left the room either. During delivery I wasn’t pushing good enough to assist the baby. The doctor said she needed two people to push both of my legs up so that my knees were up by my face. Gavin grabbed one leg and a nurse grabbed the other. Then the doctor said, “Okay…when I count to three I need you to push hard like your constipated.

One…two…three…push. I began pushing, almost like I was pushing my insides out. The doctor kept saying that I was doing a good job and the baby was coming out. I kept following her instructions on when to push and finally I hear Gavin say, “Shashi, the head is out. C’mon Shashi, you almost there.”

Even though he didn’t want to come at first, I could see the excitement in his face. He had mentioned that he didn’t want to see me in pain. But to me it was very important for him to be there for the birth of our son. Finally, I heard the doctor say give one more strong push. When I did, I could hear my child’s voice and the voice of the doctor saying, “It’s a boy!” I was excited but at the same time exhausted. Gavin was standing there happier than ever. They asked if I wanted to hold my son but I just couldn’t….”Give him to his dad,” I said. My friend Karen had sent for me something to eat; I was starving. Everyone was coming in to see him. I was busy stuffing my face. My mom was saying how funny looking he was and his dad was already standing up for his son saying how handsome he was and how he looked just like him.

I was only in the hospital about 24-48 hours after his birth. The nurse came in and asked what we were going to name him. I said, “Emojieon D’Von.” I had this name planned stuck in my head during my entire pregnancy. Gavin then said, “Nah…his name is going to be D’Wahn after my nephew.” I was upset because I wanted my son to have a unique name. “Why not Emojieon? I told you I want to name him that,” I replied. “C’mon Shashi, I want to name him after my nephew who died when he was one,” he said looking me right in the eyes. So of course I went along with the name he said.

Right before leaving the hospital I got a phone call from my cousin Synder saying that someone was on the phone and was it okay for her to three-way them in. I told her it was cool because no one was in the room with me.

“Hey Shala!”
“Hey Thyler,” I said in a sorta shocked way.
“So you had the baby huh?”
“Yep, a lil’ boy,” I answered.
“What’s his name?” he asked.
“D’Wahn.”
“Can I come up and see him?”
I took a deep breath, “Not right now because I’m about to be discharged. How about I call you when I get home?”
“Don’t forget. I want to see him,” he said.

As soon as Synder cleared her other line I told her that I wasn’t calling him. I asked if she knew how he knew I had my baby. I reminded her that I told him I was not pregnant by him so why was he calling. No one knew about me messing with him but her and his best friend. Not that I minded him calling it was just that I knew he must’ve still had some thought in his head about this baby but why after I told him I was pregnant by Gavin. He hadn’t contacted me since I was three months and I hadn’t contacted him either so why now.

I got home and was immediately overwhelmed by all the crying and diaper changing. I was just seventeen years old in the eleventh grade trying to raise a kid. My mom went to work the next morning so I had to deal with being a new mother on my own during the day.

That evening I had some visitors drop by the house. When I noticed the car pulling up in front of the house and saw who’d got out of it, I was in shock. I didn’t even have time to tell my mother about the phone call. I grabbed my baby and hid in the front room closet and told my mom to say I wasn’t home. My mother looked at me with this confused look on her face. I closed the closet door enough to where they couldn’t see me but I could see them. There was a knock at the door. My mom opened it still looking confused. “Hello,” she said when she opened the door to greet them.

“Is Shala in?”
“No she’s not…she’s with my mother. Can I tell her who came by?”
“I’m Thyler…her son’s father,” he replied.
“Oh, okay. I’ll tell her that you came by.”
“Thank you ma’am. This is my mother Darian and my uncle. May we leave these bags with you? We bought some things for the baby. “
“Sure, I’m sure Shala will be home within the next couple of hours. Does she have a number to reach you?”
“Yes ma’am,” he replied.

Thyler placed the bags on the living room floor by the door and they left. Before I could get out of the closet my mom was on the phone calling my aunt. “Who was that?” she asked looking at me still confused. I began telling her that he was a guy I had sex with once and someone had him thinking I was pregnant by him. I explained how I ran into his best friend when I was three months pregnant and I let him know that I was pregnant by Gavin and he didn’t believe me. I told her that no one knew about him and it was a one time thing. My mom started questioning me, “Well, do you know who D’Wahn’s dad is? Why didn’t you ever say anything? Girl…..” she continued on.

My aunt rushed over to the house in no time. She had a lot to say. They asked me so many questions. I was just sitting there on my bed listening. When they gave me enough time to speak I replied, “I know who his daddy is. It’s Gavin and no I’m not confused. He looks just like him.” My mom stated, “Whoever is taking care of the baby is the father. Any man can be a daddy.”

They never let down on me. I was sitting thinking of what I should do or say. I didn’t need this in my life at this time. I wasn’t ashamed or confused because I knew that Gavin was the father of D’Wahn. The only thing that was so hard was explaining the situation of me having a one night stand.

That next day Thyler, his mom, brother and uncle showed up at my house. As soon as they came into the house, I introduced my mom to Thyler again and he introduced my mom and I to his family. This would be the first time that I had met anyone in his family. I told them to hold still why I went to get D’Wahn.

As I walked to the back room to get him I began thinking why was I letting them see my son when he wasn’t even his dad. All kind of questions started going through my mind and then I thought, “As soon as they see him, they’ll know that Thyler is not his dad and I won’t have to deal with the situation.”

When I walked back into the living room he was standing anxious to see what D’Wahn looked like. I came over to him and placed him into his arms and said, “This is D’Wahn.” Thyler pulled D’Wahn close to him and said, “Look momma, look at my son.” At that moment I was amazed that he was just starring at him with this proud father look. His mom replied, “Ewwww, he do look just like you Thyler.” His uncle agreed and they were all smiling. He sat down on the couch talking to D’Wahn, rubbing his little hand and pulling the blanket back to see how long he was. I looked over at my mom so confused for the very first time about this entire situation. This could not be happening. I hadn’t seen this guy in nine months except for one time when I made clear that I was not pregnant by him. Why would his homeboy tell him I was pregnant by him when it wasn’t the truth. I have to admit though he was still looking good as ever.

Journaling All the Days of My Life: My License!

May 5, 2009 9:09am cst

This morning I’m back up again sitting on the couch logged in and getting ready to work. Last night my friend came over, so I feel a lil’ bit better than I was feeling yesterday.

So check this out. This month my license expire. I call to the Courthouse yesterday to find that my license are suspended. I immediately call the law office where a case is being handled that my ex-husband and I was sued for $15,066.00. The lawyer explained to me that I have the option of making another offer in order to get my license reinstated. This is what happened.

I got married on October 15, 2004 to this guy Conner. That day he needed to use the car when we got home from the wedding. He left and not even 30-45 minutes later he calls saying that I was going to be upset because he had a wreck in my car. I was upset but my first concern was to see if he or anyone else was hurt. Well, due to that accident he was being sued. I knew nothing about it until December 2007 my aunt gets a letter in the mail for me and come to find out my license are suspended. I contacted the lawyer who was handling the case, explained my side of the story and still I had to do something to get my license back. I made an offer of $4000.00 which was accepted. I had to pay $600.00 upfront and monthly payments of $100.00. I paid the initial payment in June 2008 and also had to pay $500.00 or so for a surgery that I was having on my neck so my finances were a lil’ low. After getting my license reinstated I didn’t make another payment. I kept on to him about paying on this lawsuit to keep my license from being suspended. In September 2008, I divorced him and in our divorce decree he signed saying that he would make the $100.00 monthly payments to me which I am yet to see. So now I’m being told that I have to start the process all over again if I want to get my license reinstated. I’m pretty upset about the whole situation.