Molested... I Say:

It's so crazy! I sit here as I post this situation that happened in my life and think about all the other people in the world who has and still deals with the pain of abuse. Some people don't and some will never understand the feeling and that's a good thing. But what I do hate to see is people pass judgement when they themselves just don't have a clue.

When someone goes through this it does a lot of things to one's mind. I myself begin to have mixed emotions, I became what they called "easy." I began to look for love in all the wrong type of men. I began to have sex early and sex was like a need for me. My abuse took away my oral expression. I went for anything as sometimes I still do. I became distant. After having kids I'm scared for them constantly. My abusers face is a constant reminder of why I am.. me.

It doesn't belong to you! So why would you want to hurt someone that way. I mean I just don't get it. Just out of the blue this guy decided that he wanted to have sex with me as young as I was and even though I didn't agree, knew nothing about sex, was too young-he was going to do it anyway. I mean what gives a person such a right. He just didn't realize how he would change my life forever, not just for that moment.

Still to this day I'm very hurt by what happened but I know I can't just keep living it day to day. It still bothers me to this day because I surpressed it all until the age of twenty-one when I told my mother. After that I didn't really deal with it again. I never really wanted to. I always thought I was okay because I had moved on with my life. But really I wasn't. I got into an abusive relationship and all kinds of crazy stuff.

You know I still see this man often. Not that often now because I live in another state. I speak to him in passing because I'm trying to forgive so that he doesn't have power over my life but it's truly hard. My family still deals with him and talk to him and even though I do sometimes.. I use to wonder why would they. I stay frustrated a lot. Writing is like the only thing that soothes me when I start to feel angry, distant, worried, tearful and lost. Prayer is the only thing that gets me through.

I think it's very important that my children know my life story. I think it's very important for them to know that it's not only the strangers that hurt us. It's the strangeness of a people we know but we have yet to see. I let them know that if they feel uneasy about anybody to share it with me and I don't care if it's their father, my sister's, brother's, their sister's or brother's, friends, grandparent's, etc. I even tell them if I'm doing something that they don't feel is appropriate then tell their father, grandma, police, etc. Everyone is capable of hurting.

I also feel that it's very important that they are comfortable enough with me to tell me. Not saying that they will but I would hope they do. No matter how much I knew that my mother loved me I didn't tell. There are many reasons why.. scared being the first.

Those images inside of my head are there for life. They play a major role in my decision making which sometimes aren't that good but he (my abuser) is the cause for that. Yes I'm grown now but my past has grew with me. I'm hoping that by telling my story I can get it off my chest and maybe one day I'll be able to say to him, "I forgive you," so that I can start my life over. Maybe one day he'll say, "I'm sorry," but that day may never come.

So right now I'm just sitting here thinking about that and decided to share.