"Secret"

There's a truth behind every lie. A meaning behind every word. Every day I hold myself accountable for the possibility of what my son might think as a result of the name I gave him, from all the foul talk that he's heard. But... no one really knows the thoughts that I have and the real meaning behind the name. You see for the past thirteen years I've been filled with guilt, mind combining words to make right of this but... still I feel so ashame and it's only me to blame. It's my duty to make known the truth but sometimes the truth don't always set you free. I mean it gets the heaviness off your heart and eases the pain you feel but keeping it real...it may not exactly stop the heartache and the tears, you see... they will still run and people will still talk and I may possibly lose a son and life then won't even matter and the truth will just be a word that ain't so right afta' and just like truth reveals...it also causes a woman to be battered. And sometimes a lie ain't so bad and is better kept that way. I mean truthfully how can a lie be called a lie if no one knows, so then it's really a secret and it feels as if the only way to go. I mean you can only tell a lie if when you speak the truth ain't being told so I'm actually set free. But what my secret does...it scares me and my mother, you see she knows but refuses to come right out and say and tell me I told you so…so she says nothing. But I beg her with my eyes and ask her with my actions and plead to her with my silence so that I'm not the one who has to tell him the truth. I want to pray but I can't. I don't know what to say when I get on my knees. I, I'm ashamed of what the Lord may say to me. I try to interlock my fingers but my knuckles began to hurt and I sometimes open my mouth but silence become my words and I go back to my secret… feeling it'll be better off if I keep it. And when the time is right I'm sure it'll find me but right now my secret you see she wines and dines me and tell me it's better this way. So my secret she'll stay.

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels