BET AWARDS

I’m sitting here on my couch waiting for the BET awards show to start. I’m so excited. I hear that it’s going to be special. I think they may pay a special tribute to the “King of Pop,” Michael Jackson. How cool is that? Mike Jack was and still is the shit. Now that’s one human being that will never be forgotten. People will be talking about this man for years, years and more years to come. I remember trying to perfect the moonwalk as a young girl and now my 15 year old son is doing the same thing. My 11 year old daughter is walking around with Mike Jack wallpapers on her PSP and my youngest daughter is watching reruns of his videos. I mean it’s Michael Jackson crazy around this house. I think the only reason we’re not all crying is because we’re still in shock. I mean it still doesn’t seem real. I’m sitting here wondering what performances will be going down. I know my favorite artist Usher will be performing. He has to because that’s the whole reason I’m watching it. LOL, LOL

I know. I need to grow up right. But still… I love him. He’s a great singer, dancer & entertainer. Besides that, he’s sexy as hell. You know one of the questions that I’ve always asked myself. Me, being plain ol’ me. I wonder if it’s possible for me to ever just bump into a celeb out of nowhere or meet one on say Twitter, Facebook and become friends with them. I mean I know I haven’t been in their life but how could I, we grew up in two different places. I mean you’ll never get to know someone unless you’re around them right. I don’t know if that’ll ever happen but I always think, how cool would that be. Who knows? They’ll probably be dying to meet me soon. I’m somebody to. I’m somebody that anybody should be dying to meet. I’m funny, cool to be around, love to travel, a writer, have smart kids and have great ideas. Well for now I’m getting ready to watch the awards.

Michael Jackson!!! R.I.P.

I was very sadden'd when I learned about M.J.'s death. My prayers go out to his family. I've been a very big fan of his for as long as I can remember. As a child I would be in the kitchen of our home trying to master the moonwalk (lol). I thought I was the best dancer when it came to dancing like Michael Jackson.

It's crazy though how one day a person is here and the next they're gone. And especially when it's someone close and it's one minute they're here and the next they're gone. We really never know the minute nor the hour of our death and we sometimes wait and put things off, like thinking of someone and saying, "I'll call them tomorrow." Who's to say you'll ever get that chance.

We don't realize how precious life is. Some of us spend so much time worrying about others, material things, how fly we look, what possessions we have, etc. You know, things that are left behind at the time of our death. Things that are left for others to brag about that you no longer have possession of. We don't think about the simple things in life. Things that matter most, like our loved ones, our relationship with God, our children's relationship with God, the moment.

There has been so many deaths around me in the past years and it makes me say to myself. What about now? What about right now?

The death of Michael Jackson was a shocker. Still at this moment, it doesn't really seem all that real and I guess that's only because I don't really truly know him, we're not friends, we're not family, etc. I can only imagine what his family is feeling. I really hope that this was a wake up call for us all. I only hope that we begin to live for now, what we have right now, what we can do right now, use what is available to use right now.

Do you right now. Smile right now. Laugh right now. Dream right now. Love right now. Care right now. Call them right now. Show them right now. Cry right now. Shout right now. Pray right now. Ask Jesus into your life right now. Help someone right now. Stop the violence now. Share Jesus right now. Hug your children right now. Make amends right now. Forgive right now. Tell therm you're sorry right now. Get help right now. Do what you can right now before it's too late.

Father's Day!!!

So it's Father's Day!!!

I've been up since about 1a. I moved away from home so I won't be seeing anyone today so therefore, I have some phone calls to make. The first being my grandpa. He is the most extraordinary human being. He's loving, very patient, hard worker, a wonderful husband to my grandmother and a great father to my mother & her siblings. My kids love him to death.

I must say though. I don't get by to visit enough. Not because I can't, I just don't go by there often and that's a shame. I have it in my head to but never make the time. I know it's really bad but there is no excuse. Now that I live 4 hrs away, calling is the only option except for when I go home to visit. I don't even call like I should.

Father's Day is one of 365 days in the year to show your father or the father figure in your love just how much you care about him. It shouldn't be just on this day that we do that. We should go all out every day, call and say "I love you" every day! Father's are very hard to come by so If you have one in your life, let him know how much you appreciate him being there....

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Dead Beat Baby Daddy

I am 100% sure that he is the father…..I ain’t got no reason to lie. Call me what you want if you will but it still don’t change thangs. They still yours no matter how you want to put it…she’s a hoe, a liar, she was a one night stand…I led first on the night train. Whatever you say don’t change the fact that they carry yo’ DNA. You can take me to court but the judge gon’ dismiss your case as soon as he see ya’ll face-to-face. You ain’t gotta lie “Craig” they yours and you know it. I still need my child support payments after you finish screaming that hoe bit. I’ll be whateva’ you want me to but these are yo’ kids and I’m still yo’ babies momma. I wish that night you held me real tight you woulda said, “I’mma dead beat” so we wouldn’t be even going through the drama. You want to put me out there, telling lies how you be doing this and doing that. We ain’t seen you, do we eva’ but you want everyone to think you’re the “World’s Greatest Dad.” A disgrace to the word father, a headache when we don’t need one, absent when you’re needed most, hi and bye when you finally come. I wish there were less fathers like you and more like the man who sees his kids daily, pick them up from school, sit down and help them with school work, making sure they kids eat, rub their stomach’s when it hurts…..attend conferences at the school house, buy shoes and clothes when they need em’, pay the rent when the rents do, let they kids come over when they want to. We just need more men who we can call responsible and less of those who don’t bother. Man, I am 100% sure that this man is my kids “Dead Beat Father.”

Molested... I Say:

It's so crazy! I sit here as I post this situation that happened in my life and think about all the other people in the world who has and still deals with the pain of abuse. Some people don't and some will never understand the feeling and that's a good thing. But what I do hate to see is people pass judgement when they themselves just don't have a clue.

When someone goes through this it does a lot of things to one's mind. I myself begin to have mixed emotions, I became what they called "easy." I began to look for love in all the wrong type of men. I began to have sex early and sex was like a need for me. My abuse took away my oral expression. I went for anything as sometimes I still do. I became distant. After having kids I'm scared for them constantly. My abusers face is a constant reminder of why I am.. me.

It doesn't belong to you! So why would you want to hurt someone that way. I mean I just don't get it. Just out of the blue this guy decided that he wanted to have sex with me as young as I was and even though I didn't agree, knew nothing about sex, was too young-he was going to do it anyway. I mean what gives a person such a right. He just didn't realize how he would change my life forever, not just for that moment.

Still to this day I'm very hurt by what happened but I know I can't just keep living it day to day. It still bothers me to this day because I surpressed it all until the age of twenty-one when I told my mother. After that I didn't really deal with it again. I never really wanted to. I always thought I was okay because I had moved on with my life. But really I wasn't. I got into an abusive relationship and all kinds of crazy stuff.

You know I still see this man often. Not that often now because I live in another state. I speak to him in passing because I'm trying to forgive so that he doesn't have power over my life but it's truly hard. My family still deals with him and talk to him and even though I do sometimes.. I use to wonder why would they. I stay frustrated a lot. Writing is like the only thing that soothes me when I start to feel angry, distant, worried, tearful and lost. Prayer is the only thing that gets me through.

I think it's very important that my children know my life story. I think it's very important for them to know that it's not only the strangers that hurt us. It's the strangeness of a people we know but we have yet to see. I let them know that if they feel uneasy about anybody to share it with me and I don't care if it's their father, my sister's, brother's, their sister's or brother's, friends, grandparent's, etc. I even tell them if I'm doing something that they don't feel is appropriate then tell their father, grandma, police, etc. Everyone is capable of hurting.

I also feel that it's very important that they are comfortable enough with me to tell me. Not saying that they will but I would hope they do. No matter how much I knew that my mother loved me I didn't tell. There are many reasons why.. scared being the first.

Those images inside of my head are there for life. They play a major role in my decision making which sometimes aren't that good but he (my abuser) is the cause for that. Yes I'm grown now but my past has grew with me. I'm hoping that by telling my story I can get it off my chest and maybe one day I'll be able to say to him, "I forgive you," so that I can start my life over. Maybe one day he'll say, "I'm sorry," but that day may never come.

So right now I'm just sitting here thinking about that and decided to share.

Journaling All the Days of My Life: Molested Cont...

Continuation from May 8, 2008 2:48am cst (it’s 12:19pm cst)…“Yeah, I’ll go” I said all excited because I knew he would let me drive. By this time and age, I had suppressed it all (the abuse). I didn’t want to feel the hurt and I didn’t want to hurt my family. So I endured it, time after time, after time. I hated to but I couldn’t tell my mom, “She would be so mad” is what I thought.

We got into the car, I had on a yellow, blue, and orange striped sun dress. Goth didn’t say much on the way over. Once we were there we both got out the car and went inside the house. He went in the back looking for something. I got some kool-aid out of the refrigerator to drink. I put my glass on the counter and walked over to the bar stool that sat next to the hallway entrance with my foot upon the ledge. It was time to go and there was a knock on the door. Goth went to the door and answered it.
“Hey man what’s up?” he said while leaving the door open as to say come in.
“Shit nothing, waiting on Jason to get home” Cliff replied.
“What’s up Shala” he said looking over at me.

I got really nervous. It was already a bad idea to be here alone with Goth but when Cliff came through the door it got worse. I began to shake a little. I don’t know why but I felt as if something just wasn’t right.
“What yawl doing over this way? I thought yawl were up to Buddies?” asked Cliff.
“Man shit, I just came over here to get this book that Irene wanted to show Late. Shala just rode along with me,” he said walking out the front door.

It wasn’t long before Cliff begin making his way over towards the stool I was sitting in. I scooted my butt backwards with my both my hands pressing down on the seat until my back came to a stop hitting up against the back of the chair. Cliff gave me this strange look as he put both his hands on both my knees and spreaded my legs. I started to breath heavy; heavy enough that he knew I was getting scared and feeling uneasy about this. “What do I do” I thought. I knew at that moment Goth would not protect me cause he looked at me the same way; he looked at me as this helpless little girl who he could take advantage of, rape over and over, a little girl who was scared and ashamed. I was stuck there not knowing at that moment what was about to happen. I didn’t know what to think as Cliff pressed his fully clothed body between my legs and up against my body without moving or trying to remove the panties that protected my vagina. His body moved left to right and as he started to breath heavily looking over my shoulder either at the wall or down the hallway was his only option. In my mind I started calling upon my mother, “Please don’t let him hurt me, mom please.” Those words replayed in silence for the next four to five minutes as Cliff got his rocks off by doing what he did.

Cliff backed away from me and walked out the front door and Goth came back in a few minutes later. I’m sitting on the stool in the bathroom with the door locked.
“Shashi, you ready to go” Goth asked.
“Yeah, I’m using the bathroom” I replied.
“Alright.”

I got up off the toilet and flushed it and started washing my hands. I stared into the mirror as my eyes began to water. I grabbed the top of my dress and wiped the tears away before they had time to fall. I got myself together, dried my hands and then exited the bathroom. Goth was sitting on the couch.
“You ready” he asked.
“Yeah” I said in relief.

Goth didn’t look as if he was ready cause he didn’t get up off the couch. As I started walking toward the front door he got up off the couch quickly.
“Come here” he said grabbing my waist with both hands.
“What?” I asked.
“Sit down right here,” he said backing me up toward the couch.
“No.”
“You want to drive don’t you?”
“Yeah!….No.” I said again pushing his body away from mine.
He pushed me back on the couch and pushed the bottom half of my dress up until it folded up on my stomach.
“C’mon now….stop,” I was saying demanding him to let go of me.

He pulled my panties down to my ankles and I couldn’t see his face anymore. My private started to tingle and I quickly moved back on the couch still trying to push away. Goth put his hands upon my waist and pressed his face on my private and started licking up and down. I could feel his hot breath as he breathed heavily.
“You like that,” he asked.
“Goth stop it!” I demanded.

He raised his head and looked up at me and said, “You better not tell nobody about this. You hear me? You know I be watching yawl.” I started to really panic and wonder what to do. “Go in the bathroom and wipe yourself up” he stated.

I got up and went back into the bathroom. I had been violated twice in one day. I was so heartbroken. I just had to tell my mom what he was doing to me. He scared me really bad with all the threats that he had made throughout the years. After I wiped myself we left out the house.
“You wonna drive?” he asked.
“Naw, that’s alright.”

I got in the car on the passenger side and slammed the door. I leaned sideways where my back was half on the seat and half on the door. I glanced over at him disgusted and then put my eyes directly on the place mat in the floor. We reached my grandmother’s house. I went in and asked my sister did she want to go outside. I had to do something to help me focus on something other than what had just happened to me.

After that day, things started to look up for me. I was still hurting inside but for some reason Goth never tried to touch me in that nasty way again. I thought maybe my mom found out (but she hadn’t) or maybe he had got a girlfriend to mess around with. I wasn’t sure at that time but I was glad. Now I could start living my life as a child. I could be happy once again. At least that’s what I thought.

Goth didn’t go away physically but him violating me did. No matter what I tried to do I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head for a long time. I went to bed thinking of the pain, woke up with it on my mind, played but still throughout out the day I couldn’t seem to lose thought of Goth and the way he violated me. I couldn’t tell anyone. Who was I going to tell? “Me and my cousin were really close but she may tell on me” is what I thought. I would just keep it to myself and maybe one day it would go away. I just couldn’t believe that he took my innocence.

Faith Test!!!

So, my kids have been home for about two weeks now. Things have been going really great for us. I've been working really hard because I'm a independent contractor and I work from home so I have to stay motivated.

I knew that I would be getting paid this week so I took the money that I had left from last pp's check and bought some food to last and a few household items. For some reason it didn't work that way. So the kids are saying, "Mother... we're getting low on food." I'm steady reminding them that I'm getting paid so we're going to be all good. My son is 15 so he has an apetite. But it's not just him, it's my girls too.

A few days ago I noticed we had a bag of beans, cornbread, tuna helper, a few can goods, kool-aid, tea, some bread & a few pieces of cheese. I'm like okay that'll hold us until I get paid. There was a knock at the dooor that day and it was my homegirls brother and he said, "what's up?" I let him know that I was working and the kids were playing. He asked if we wanted to go to CiCi's pizza and to the zoo. I told him that we wouldn't be able to make it because I was working. We started talking about the situation and he said, "order up some pizza and I'll pay for it." At that time I didn't realize that-that was saving us a day on food but I'm still thinking we all good.

That night as I laid down to sleep I said, "God I want to thank you for providing me & my kids with food to eat each and every day. I want to thank you for taking care of our needs. In Jesus name I pray."

Now during all this I lose my debit card which had money on it. Well I didn't notice until I got up to go to the store and get some sugar to make tea. Digging thru everything I seem to come up on almost $6 worth of change. I'm like, "thank you God." So the days pass and finally it's Sunday (yesterday) and when I looked in the cabinet there was nothing there but tea, a few packs of kool-aid and a bag of brown beans. The kids hate beans... and I know that's a strong word but they hate them. I told them to be thankful for what we have because they are very blessed to have that. My son looked in the cabinet and was like, "mom I found a can of chili please put it in the beans." I did and they ate those beans like they were going out of style.

So this morning we wake up to nothing. The kids are like what are we going to eat. I came to the kitchen and there was 4 bags of Ramen Noodles on the fridge. I said, "hey there's a bag of noodles for each of us on the fridge." They seemed to have their mouth out a little like dang that's all we have to eat. But again I reminded them that what we had was a lot compared to alot of people. Told them that, that wasn't all we had to eat because God will feed us every single day.

My girls are enrolled in camp so they went there and were able to eat lunch and a snack. My son is able to go up there aound 11:30a to eat lunch too but he's so worried about me he goes, "I'm cool mom. If you don't eat, I don't eat." I'm telling him to go eat lunch but he's still saying, "I don't have to eat mom if you don't." I'm telling him not to worry about me I'll be okay. He looks and me and says, "So will I." I let it go. Me and my son stayed home and the day went really well. Neither of us mentioned food but I called a few people to help me out. I really hate to ask my family even though I know they'll be glad to help us but I don't like them worrying too much. I ended up calling my sister today and she ordered pizza and had it delivered to us. She told me to make sure to call her if we needed her to order more tomorrow if my check didn't come. Being that my family is 4 hrs away from me I know it bothers them. But I know God is good all the time and He'll always be there for me. I've kinda learned to not stress too much-just pray. Sometimes that can be hard but it's always the best practice.

You know I must say that often I lose my faith in God. I know that all things are made possible thru He but when I'm going thru things it's just hard to focus on that. I do stress when I know I shouldn't but I'm really starting to trust Him more. I let my situation distract me when I should know that it's only temporary. I'm always praying to God about my needs when I need to thank him more. It was not too long ago that I talked to God letting Him know that I'm going to put my faith in him.. and this is one of many. My Faith Test!

God!!!

hey God,
i woke up this morning thanking you not in words but by smiling. i know that it's only thru u that i'm able to do that. i didn't get up this morning and pick up my Bible and read. it's been over a few weeks since i've even reached for it and that's shame on me. excuses, i mean there r plenty for me to come up with but i won't. cause whenever i need you, when i call upon you; you can come up with them too but you don't. i-i ask myself every day, how is it that i don't forget to pop in a Usher cd or watch my favorite t.v. show but when it comes to reading your word it seems as if it's always put on hold. i can tell everyone how good you are to me, all the blessings given to me and how you've helped me on my hardest days but i can't take the time to get to know you better, some days don't even take the time to pray. i just want to be honest here and shame on me so whoever says she's pathetic is just telling the truth. i know for a fact that if it took you a few weeks to come thru for me i wouldn't know what to do. as important as you are in my life i can't seem to stay on track with what i promise you. we all make our mistakes but it seems as if mine is always not knowing you. how can i instill in my children what i don't know myself. how can i share with them your love, the riches of knowing you when i don't get to know you myself. how can i be so hard on them about reading your word when they never see a Bible in my hand. there's no hiding, no denying cause my kids r old enough to understand. i have this feeling of wanting to do better. it's a must that i do. there's no love and no trust like the love and trust from you. i need guidance, knowledge and strength. i need passion, determination and will. i need a second chance, a fresh start at a relationship with you if you will. in your son Jesus name i pray, Amen!

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY?

You hurt me much more than words can explain... You took away my sense of happiness, took away the words I want to say... You took away what was suppose to be my virginity... It was mine, mine all mine... Now I'm stuck with seeing your ugly face right in front of mine all the time... I don't feel safe, I'm troubled, sometimes scared, leaving my children alone...How could? Why would you betray me in my mother's home... I give in so easy to men, all they have to do is ask... I became what they call "easy" because of the hurt from you in the past... Why? What did I ever do to you? Nothing. I was a kid... Because of you, I relive the hurt through and through... And I learned really early what hate is... You made me HATE you.

"Tell Me Again"

tell me again by the stroke of your hand thru my hair.the back of your hand down the side of my cheek.taste my carmel skin as your tongue massage my neck.smile when you say it again.let your fingers play a r&b love song on the small of my back.while the depth of your voice soothes me & make love to me while we lay.feel the silk of my skin as our bodies begin touchin'.tell me again by the way that we lay.you holding me as our bodies connect.the sweat drips from my neck from the heat down within and the flames burn passion, my curves begin asking for more.tell me again as our lips start to touch and our tongues play and we become one under the hot hidden sun and our thoughts get lost as we find our way thru the night back to the day.tell me again.

2009 Leukemiona Kelley-Daniels

My Unborn Children

Dear Unborn Child, i really owe you an explanation even though it may not change the pain. no i didn't have to abort you, it was just a choice that i made. at that moment i had an option to do something to better my life. so at that second i chose to abort you and to be honest i didn't think twice. but now it comes back to haunt me because now i'll never know the look in your eyes. never get to hear you say "i love you mommy," never get to hear the sound as you cry. never knew if you'd look just like me, your favorite color, school subject or food. never get to know what makes you laugh or cry... never will know the inner part of you. not fully deveolped but you were a Blessing that God put on the inside of me. and i did something that i'll never forget... i aborted my sweet little baby... not once, but twice.

2009 Leukemiona Kelley-Daniels

Wide Awake!!!

I didn't journal anything yesterday but I was chilling out with my kids and all. We laid in the bed all day watching all the past episodes of "Prison Break." When I looked up last night about 11:30pm everyone was sleep and I had dozed off-everyone except for my middle daughter. She was wide awake and still tuned in to see wut was going down. I had to make everyone get up and go to bed.

So this morning when I awoke it was 6ish and I got up out of bed and got myself together. I threw on some jeans got right in front of my computer. I didn't work any yesterday so I figured I'd start early. Before I did any of that I had to sign into my game Virtual Families and check on them and make sure they had food to eat. I love this game. I let my niece play while I was down getting my kids and she keeps calling me saying, "Auntie how do you spell that game?" She keeps trying to go online and play but I told her she has to ask her parents to buy it for her. A lot of these virtual games (online games period) are addictive and that is truly what I am.

Well, I'm wide awake right now and at my computer working. I will be back sooner than later.