So I left Thursday evening headed to Oklahoma to pick up my kids. I got to OKC about 4:30pm where I stopped off to visit my aunt & cousins. The ride itself was nice and the traffic wasn't that bad. 90% of the time I ride alone if my kids are not with me. Threw my Usher CD in the CD player and made a move. I ended up spending the night in the City and then got up the next morning about 10am and hit the highway headed to Tulsa.
It was nice to be there but it's just so dull. I stopped by my sister's house and played with my nieces for a while and then went over to my homegirl's house and spent the night. She rode out to my kid's house with me to take my daughter a swimsuit that she needed for the "fun day" she was having on the last day of school. My daughter just finished the 5th grade and will be going into middle school next year. I'm so proud of her as well as my daughter whose going to 2nd grade and my son who will be in the 10th grade.
So Friday morning I got up and headed out to her school because everything was starting at 9a she said. They had Chic-Fil-A for breakfast and then we all went into the gym where the kids got tattoos and ran around for a minute. I took my camera and got pics galore as well as videos. While attending this fun day I ran into a school mate of mines whose son's attended the same school. Me, her and her friend sat around chatting and taking pics of the kids.
Their fun day consisted of a water slide and a few other blow up fun things. They did tug-of-war which was fun to watch. I'm really glad I made it down to hang out with her. I sat and ate lunch with my youngest and then got them out of school early. We went over to their house and got some of their clothes and as soon as my son got home from school and got his things together we got out of there. We left about 4p and didn't get home til' about 10pm because the traffic on 35 was crazy. It's only about a 4 hour drive but that's not what we experienced on the way back.
It was a good thing though cause we were talking, laughing and listening to music. We all were so tired when we got back home. Now we're trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm so happy they're home and they're happy to be home.
Until I refresh my thoughts... talk lata'
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Journaling All the Days of My Life: Molested!
May 8, 2009 2:48am cst
I’m working as usual. I’ve been up since 11:10pm trying to make money. Today was one of those boring days. I sat up in the house all day because the schedule came out three times today and I had to make sure I had hours for the work week. I won’t be going to bed til’ about 4am. I’m surely going to have to get me some rest tomorrow. I have a long weekend ahead of me.
Today I spent a lot of my time thinking about my kids as I do every day. I was just telling my girl Sharika that I can’t wait until they get here. I have exactly 21 days before I see them and I know they can’t wait. I’ve never been away from my children for an extended period of time so this is hard on both of us. I’ve been trying to talk to them but their stupid dad won’t let me. I’ve called and left messages with both my home and cell number asking him to let the kids call but he won’t. He’s mad at me and for that reason, he involves the kids which is stupid but hey. Just three more weeks of the madness and I’ll hear, “Shut up. Mom! Get her. Get him. Tell them to leave me alone.”
Since I found out that my license are suspended I’m gon’ ask someone in my family if they can bring the kids home. I don’t know how far that will get me but I can try. I’m planning some things for us this summer such as a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge and Six Flags. We’ve never been to either one as a family. They’ve never been period but I went to Six Flags when I was about 12.
Sometimes I hate having this emotional battle within myself. It has truly destroyed my life and maybe because I let it but it isn’t my fault. Yes, people tell me all the time that I have to get over my past but it’s easier said than done. There’s no getting over what I haven’t dealt with. My past pain eats at me every moment of the day. I try to keep myself busy a lot of the time. I go from one project to another. I write, write, write about my past pain to keep from having my emotions balled up inside. I travel through those horrible nights every now and then. I remember it like it was yesterday…
I was asleep in my mother’s bed. It was late at night and my mother had went out. She was comfortable with leaving us with a friend of the family (who was kinda like a brother to her) who lived just a few houses down and had been working for my grandfather.
I awoke…..and when I did I was kinda fighting for my breath. It felt as if someone threw dead weight on top of me. My eyes grew big in size, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or feeling.
“Shhhhh” he said just as he noticed I was awakened and in shock.
He began to put his penis inside my little body. I was still in shock, looking over to my right to see that my sister was lying next to me.
“Shhhh” he repeated as his put his finger to my lips. He could tell that I wanted to scream. He continued to push himself inside of me until he did. I went into an open-eyed coma, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, fighting for my breath, motionless.
I snapped back to reality after a few minutes. He was still laying there on top of me pushing, constantly looking to his left to make sure that my sister didn’t move. Then the key began to turn to unlock the front door. He hurried up and removed himself from on top of me. Quietly but in a hurry he said, “Pull up your panties and go to the bathroom.”
I jumped down from the bed and walked fast into the bathroom to fix myself. When I looked down there was a milky white substance in my panties.
“Hey!” I could hear him saying to my mom. They were carrying on in conversation.
“Are the kids sleep?” my mom asked.
“Yea, Shala just went into the bathroom” he replied.
At that moment I wanted to run out and grab my mom and hold her so tight and never let go, but instead I walked back into her bedroom and climbed into bed. That night I wondered if my sister had heard him, felt him, ignored what was happening, pretended to be sleep, scared to say something or was she just so deep in sleep that she never heard or felt a thing.
That next morning was like any other morning. I got up brushed my teeth, washed my face, ate my cereal, got dressed, did my chores and went outside. Life became dull to me that day. The sun didn’t shine the same, the birds sang a song of pain and my thoughts became isolated in my mind, never to be revealed.
“Why?” I kept saying to myself in thought. I was too young and innocent. I had a good life until then….at that very moment I knew that what had happened wasn’t good. I thought “Maybe I should say something,” but I was too scared. Yea, right….who was going to believe me. I was too young, maybe my mom would think I was just making up lies to keep her from going out. But why would I do that, she didn’t go out that much as it was. Maybe I’ll just keep it to myself and no one would have to be mad at me.
I continued to play with my cousin and sister, pretending to be normal. I didn’t realize it but I began to walk with my head down at such a young age. I began to shy away from communication (oral expression). I lost the words that expressed my feelings. I began to hate who I was as a person, I felt so dirty. I felt as if I was unprotected at all times, I felt ashamed and hurt all at the same time. I didn’t know to call on God back then. I didn’t know how to call upon anyone. All I know is that my innocence was being taking over and over. It continued to go on for years.
Just when I thought it was over, Goth was up to my grandparents with everyone. He asked if he could drive my mother’s car over to the house to get something. We rode with him at times and I guess it would seem kind of strange for us not to, especially now that I was trying to learn to drive. I was about twelve now and more interested in learning to drive than anything.
“Shashi, you want to ride” Goth asked?
I’m working as usual. I’ve been up since 11:10pm trying to make money. Today was one of those boring days. I sat up in the house all day because the schedule came out three times today and I had to make sure I had hours for the work week. I won’t be going to bed til’ about 4am. I’m surely going to have to get me some rest tomorrow. I have a long weekend ahead of me.
Today I spent a lot of my time thinking about my kids as I do every day. I was just telling my girl Sharika that I can’t wait until they get here. I have exactly 21 days before I see them and I know they can’t wait. I’ve never been away from my children for an extended period of time so this is hard on both of us. I’ve been trying to talk to them but their stupid dad won’t let me. I’ve called and left messages with both my home and cell number asking him to let the kids call but he won’t. He’s mad at me and for that reason, he involves the kids which is stupid but hey. Just three more weeks of the madness and I’ll hear, “Shut up. Mom! Get her. Get him. Tell them to leave me alone.”
Since I found out that my license are suspended I’m gon’ ask someone in my family if they can bring the kids home. I don’t know how far that will get me but I can try. I’m planning some things for us this summer such as a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge and Six Flags. We’ve never been to either one as a family. They’ve never been period but I went to Six Flags when I was about 12.
Sometimes I hate having this emotional battle within myself. It has truly destroyed my life and maybe because I let it but it isn’t my fault. Yes, people tell me all the time that I have to get over my past but it’s easier said than done. There’s no getting over what I haven’t dealt with. My past pain eats at me every moment of the day. I try to keep myself busy a lot of the time. I go from one project to another. I write, write, write about my past pain to keep from having my emotions balled up inside. I travel through those horrible nights every now and then. I remember it like it was yesterday…
I was asleep in my mother’s bed. It was late at night and my mother had went out. She was comfortable with leaving us with a friend of the family (who was kinda like a brother to her) who lived just a few houses down and had been working for my grandfather.
I awoke…..and when I did I was kinda fighting for my breath. It felt as if someone threw dead weight on top of me. My eyes grew big in size, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or feeling.
“Shhhhh” he said just as he noticed I was awakened and in shock.
He began to put his penis inside my little body. I was still in shock, looking over to my right to see that my sister was lying next to me.
“Shhhh” he repeated as his put his finger to my lips. He could tell that I wanted to scream. He continued to push himself inside of me until he did. I went into an open-eyed coma, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, fighting for my breath, motionless.
I snapped back to reality after a few minutes. He was still laying there on top of me pushing, constantly looking to his left to make sure that my sister didn’t move. Then the key began to turn to unlock the front door. He hurried up and removed himself from on top of me. Quietly but in a hurry he said, “Pull up your panties and go to the bathroom.”
I jumped down from the bed and walked fast into the bathroom to fix myself. When I looked down there was a milky white substance in my panties.
“Hey!” I could hear him saying to my mom. They were carrying on in conversation.
“Are the kids sleep?” my mom asked.
“Yea, Shala just went into the bathroom” he replied.
At that moment I wanted to run out and grab my mom and hold her so tight and never let go, but instead I walked back into her bedroom and climbed into bed. That night I wondered if my sister had heard him, felt him, ignored what was happening, pretended to be sleep, scared to say something or was she just so deep in sleep that she never heard or felt a thing.
That next morning was like any other morning. I got up brushed my teeth, washed my face, ate my cereal, got dressed, did my chores and went outside. Life became dull to me that day. The sun didn’t shine the same, the birds sang a song of pain and my thoughts became isolated in my mind, never to be revealed.
“Why?” I kept saying to myself in thought. I was too young and innocent. I had a good life until then….at that very moment I knew that what had happened wasn’t good. I thought “Maybe I should say something,” but I was too scared. Yea, right….who was going to believe me. I was too young, maybe my mom would think I was just making up lies to keep her from going out. But why would I do that, she didn’t go out that much as it was. Maybe I’ll just keep it to myself and no one would have to be mad at me.
I continued to play with my cousin and sister, pretending to be normal. I didn’t realize it but I began to walk with my head down at such a young age. I began to shy away from communication (oral expression). I lost the words that expressed my feelings. I began to hate who I was as a person, I felt so dirty. I felt as if I was unprotected at all times, I felt ashamed and hurt all at the same time. I didn’t know to call on God back then. I didn’t know how to call upon anyone. All I know is that my innocence was being taking over and over. It continued to go on for years.
Just when I thought it was over, Goth was up to my grandparents with everyone. He asked if he could drive my mother’s car over to the house to get something. We rode with him at times and I guess it would seem kind of strange for us not to, especially now that I was trying to learn to drive. I was about twelve now and more interested in learning to drive than anything.
“Shashi, you want to ride” Goth asked?
Journaling All the Days of My Life: Blood Test Madness
Continuation from May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)…One evening sometime in August 1994 my phone rang and it was my cousin Keshawn asking me who was D’Wahn’s dad. Now that was kind of odd to me because everyone knew that Gavin was his dad, even him. I asked, “Why?” My cousin stated that he had a homegirl who was at his house right then saying that her boyfriend Thyler has a baby by this girl name Shala. I said back to my cousin, “You know who my baby is by so don’t be calling my house with no bullshit. If she says it’s Thyler’s then it is.” My cousin replied, “I thought Gavin was his dad?” I instantly got pissed at my cousin for doing that. I really couldn’t though because it was the truth. But everything had been going perfect for the past five months and here he come with this. I got mad and hung up the phone in his face.
Not even ten minutes passed and my phone rang. I answered, “Hello.” It was Thyler asking if it was me. When I said yes he went off screaming, “You b****, you knew he wasn’t my baby. You lied to me and my family. You slut. That’s why you let that other nigga name my baby. I want a blood test you b****.” Then he hung the phone up in my face and he had every right. I didn’t call him back but I immediately called my cousin and cursed his ass out for calling me with that girl.
About two to three weeks later, Thyler called and said that he scheduled for a blood test for September and asked if we could make it. My mom said that she would get us there. I didn’t tell anyone but Synder and my friend Andreya about this. Now when the day came I was at school. I was called out of class by my mom and when we got to the car Thyler was sitting up front with D’Wahn in his lap. I got into the backseat of the car and he handed him back to me. He wouldn’t say anything to me. I’m pretty sure that he was heartbroken but I thought I did what was right which was telling his mother. Maybe what would’ve been right would’ve been to tell him.
When we reached the Children’s Hospital, we went to the back information desk and found out that the cost was $500.00 which he paid. We were told that his mother had to be there because he was under age, so my mother left and went and got his mom. When both of our parents got back we were able to continue taking the blood test. Once we left there and Thyler had nothing to say to me.
About a month had passed. It was about the first week in October when I got a letter in the mail from the blood test facility stating that Thyler was excluded as being the father of my son. I was not in shock at all because I knew that Gavin was his father. Around an hour after I got my results in the mail my phone rang and it was coming from Thyler’s house. When I answered the phone his mom was on the phone screaming and saying, “Yes, I knew that he was our baby. I knew that was my son’s baby.” I just sat there for a moment until she calmed down. She continued shouting, “I told you Shala. I told you he was ours.” A few moments later I said to her, “I’m sorry but you’re reading the paper wrong. It says that Thyler is excluded from being the father meaning that he’s not the father.” There was complete silence. I could tell that his mother’s feelings were so hurt. I was hurt at this point. Thyler and his family had been so good to my son. He was the best father a child could ask for. But no matter what, he was not the father. I then said to his mother, “Remember, I told you he wasn’t.” She replied, “I didn’t want to believe it because he looks so much like him.”
Now that we knew Thyler was not the father we both went on with our lives. He didn’t call us and we didn’t call him. It was Christmas day of 1994 and I got a phone call. Thyler’s mom was on the other end of the phone stating that they had some things for D’Wahn for Christmas. I couldn’t believe they had got my son things from Christmas even after all the blood test madness. That evening I took him over there and as soon as we walked in the door Ms. Darian held her hands out and said, “Come over here to your granny.” She said she was so amazed at how big he had gotten over the past month or so. When Thyler came and saw us in the living room he began cursing at me saying, “What you want? That ain’t my baby. My momma is getting ready to have a grand baby in a few months. You don’t need to come to my house anymore. I’m gonna have my own son.” His mom asked me not to pay him any mind. And his brother told him to calm down. His mother continued to play with D’Wahn and then his brother asked me to come to the back and get the clothes they bought him. After a few hours of letting his family visit with D’Wahn I gathered all the things they had for him and we said good-bye and left. After that day I never saw or spoke to them again until seeing Ms. Darian at the doctor’s office. When I noticed who she was I spoke and she said, “Is that D’Wahn walking?” I smiled, “Yep.” She said, “He sure is big and he still looks like my son. I don’t care what that blood test say.” Ms. Darian passed not too long after that and I didn’t see Thyler for years after that and when I did, he never spoke.
Not even ten minutes passed and my phone rang. I answered, “Hello.” It was Thyler asking if it was me. When I said yes he went off screaming, “You b****, you knew he wasn’t my baby. You lied to me and my family. You slut. That’s why you let that other nigga name my baby. I want a blood test you b****.” Then he hung the phone up in my face and he had every right. I didn’t call him back but I immediately called my cousin and cursed his ass out for calling me with that girl.
About two to three weeks later, Thyler called and said that he scheduled for a blood test for September and asked if we could make it. My mom said that she would get us there. I didn’t tell anyone but Synder and my friend Andreya about this. Now when the day came I was at school. I was called out of class by my mom and when we got to the car Thyler was sitting up front with D’Wahn in his lap. I got into the backseat of the car and he handed him back to me. He wouldn’t say anything to me. I’m pretty sure that he was heartbroken but I thought I did what was right which was telling his mother. Maybe what would’ve been right would’ve been to tell him.
When we reached the Children’s Hospital, we went to the back information desk and found out that the cost was $500.00 which he paid. We were told that his mother had to be there because he was under age, so my mother left and went and got his mom. When both of our parents got back we were able to continue taking the blood test. Once we left there and Thyler had nothing to say to me.
About a month had passed. It was about the first week in October when I got a letter in the mail from the blood test facility stating that Thyler was excluded as being the father of my son. I was not in shock at all because I knew that Gavin was his father. Around an hour after I got my results in the mail my phone rang and it was coming from Thyler’s house. When I answered the phone his mom was on the phone screaming and saying, “Yes, I knew that he was our baby. I knew that was my son’s baby.” I just sat there for a moment until she calmed down. She continued shouting, “I told you Shala. I told you he was ours.” A few moments later I said to her, “I’m sorry but you’re reading the paper wrong. It says that Thyler is excluded from being the father meaning that he’s not the father.” There was complete silence. I could tell that his mother’s feelings were so hurt. I was hurt at this point. Thyler and his family had been so good to my son. He was the best father a child could ask for. But no matter what, he was not the father. I then said to his mother, “Remember, I told you he wasn’t.” She replied, “I didn’t want to believe it because he looks so much like him.”
Now that we knew Thyler was not the father we both went on with our lives. He didn’t call us and we didn’t call him. It was Christmas day of 1994 and I got a phone call. Thyler’s mom was on the other end of the phone stating that they had some things for D’Wahn for Christmas. I couldn’t believe they had got my son things from Christmas even after all the blood test madness. That evening I took him over there and as soon as we walked in the door Ms. Darian held her hands out and said, “Come over here to your granny.” She said she was so amazed at how big he had gotten over the past month or so. When Thyler came and saw us in the living room he began cursing at me saying, “What you want? That ain’t my baby. My momma is getting ready to have a grand baby in a few months. You don’t need to come to my house anymore. I’m gonna have my own son.” His mom asked me not to pay him any mind. And his brother told him to calm down. His mother continued to play with D’Wahn and then his brother asked me to come to the back and get the clothes they bought him. After a few hours of letting his family visit with D’Wahn I gathered all the things they had for him and we said good-bye and left. After that day I never saw or spoke to them again until seeing Ms. Darian at the doctor’s office. When I noticed who she was I spoke and she said, “Is that D’Wahn walking?” I smiled, “Yep.” She said, “He sure is big and he still looks like my son. I don’t care what that blood test say.” Ms. Darian passed not too long after that and I didn’t see Thyler for years after that and when I did, he never spoke.
Journaling All the Days of My Life: Proud Daddy!
Continuation from May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)… For the next six months I continued to go along with everything. I continued the relationship with Thyler’s family because after I told his mom, he never questioned it. But you do reap what you sow.
One evening my phone rang and it was Thyler calling.
I answered, “Hello.”
“Is Shala in?”
“This is she,” I replied. “Who’s this?”
“Thyler. What’s up?”
“Nothing, getting D’Wahn dressed.”
“Do you feel like taking momma to the store?” he asked.
“Yea…”
“I gave momma some money so she could buy him some stuff.”
“Okay, I’m waiting on my friend Andreya. When she gets here we’ll come over there. Can you give me about an hour?” I said.
“Alright. I’ll be gone but I’ll tell here to be ready. I’ll see ya’ll when ya’ll get back,” he replied.
We hung up the phone and I continued getting my son dressed to go. When Andreya arrived I asked her if she could take me to Thyler’s house. By this time a few of my friends knew the situation but Gavin didn’t or if he did I didn’t know. When we got there Thyler’s mom asked us to take her K-Mart to go shopping for her grandbaby. She was happy to see him. Every time he came over she had a smile on her face. “He sure is getting big,” she said smiling looking in the back seat, “What granny’s baby been doing?” Ms. Darian looked over at me, “Thyler is so happy about being a father. He even went out and got a job. He gave me this money and asked if I would go with you to get D’Wahn some things he needed.” I smiled and said, “I really appreciate this.” Ms. Darian never asked me again about the other guy and she never treated me different even after me telling her that D’Wahn was not her grandchild. Everyone in his family took to my son. Whenever we stopped by to visit he was spoiled rotten.
We looked around K-Mart and Ms. Darian said, “Thyler said to get him a playpen, bouncer, walker and some toys to play with. Oh and get him some diapers, bottles and some bibs for the house. Does he have enough diapers and stuff at your house?” “Yes!” I replied. His mother walked up and down the baby aisles, “They sho’ have some cute things in here.” She put her arms out and D’Wahn reached for her. She took him out of my arms, “Yo’ daddy is gon’ have your butt spoiled to death ain’t he.” It felt weird hearing her say those things. When we dropped her off Thyler came out to the car and peeped his head through the window, “What’s up man?” D’Wahn sat in his car seat smiling and cooing. “You want to spend the night with daddy boi?” he asked him as if he could say yes. “Let me see em’ Shala,” he said stepping back from the car giving me enough room to get him out the back seat. Once he got em’ out the car he didn’t want to give him back, “Let em’ stay for a while,” he said wiping D’Wahn’s chin with his bib, “You look too cool dude. Where his hat at?” I reached into the back seat and grabbed his hat and handed it to him. “So when do you want me to come back and get him,” I asked. “Maybe about 9 o’clock tonight or so,” he said putting D’Wahn’s hat on, “He gon’ chill with his dad for a while.” I got back in the car, “Alright. Call me.” “Hold on,” he said, “I forgot I have some more stuff for him in the house.” He took D’Wahn in the house and came back out with two more bags, “His uncle got this stuff for him today. He got stuff here so take this with you.” I couldn’t believe this, “Thyler he has too many clothes,” I said looking in the bag. “My son can’t never have too much,” he replied.
When I got home I told my mom about what had just taken place. I told her that I felt so bad. I asked why were they constantly doing things for my son if he’s not biologically his. I got to the point where I didn’t let it bother me anymore. I knew that I had been honest with his mother and I knew she had told her son. I thought to myself that maybe Thyler just wanted a baby.
Thyler did a lot for my son and Gavin didn’t do too much. He had a new girlfriend and wasn’t paying my child that much attention. Plus I had started hearing from people around town that he was denying my son. He had never denied him to me but there were rumors. Thyler was the one who made sure all his needs were met. I would ask Gavin to keep him here and there and to get milk and things sometimes so that he wouldn’t be so suspicious on why I didn’t need his help.
One day my phone rang and it was Thyler. He asked me could we put D’Wahn in his last name and take a family photo. I was kinda lost for words. I’m thinking to myself, “This man wants to put a child in his last name who is not biologically his.” I told him that I would think about it. A few days later I took D’Wahn over to Thyler’s and dropped him off for the night. Well, that next day I went to pick my son up and Thyler’s girlfriend was over (this was my first time seeing her). I don’t know why but I felt a little uneasy seeing her. I didn’t know who all Gavin knew so I got my son and left.
One evening my phone rang and it was Thyler calling.
I answered, “Hello.”
“Is Shala in?”
“This is she,” I replied. “Who’s this?”
“Thyler. What’s up?”
“Nothing, getting D’Wahn dressed.”
“Do you feel like taking momma to the store?” he asked.
“Yea…”
“I gave momma some money so she could buy him some stuff.”
“Okay, I’m waiting on my friend Andreya. When she gets here we’ll come over there. Can you give me about an hour?” I said.
“Alright. I’ll be gone but I’ll tell here to be ready. I’ll see ya’ll when ya’ll get back,” he replied.
We hung up the phone and I continued getting my son dressed to go. When Andreya arrived I asked her if she could take me to Thyler’s house. By this time a few of my friends knew the situation but Gavin didn’t or if he did I didn’t know. When we got there Thyler’s mom asked us to take her K-Mart to go shopping for her grandbaby. She was happy to see him. Every time he came over she had a smile on her face. “He sure is getting big,” she said smiling looking in the back seat, “What granny’s baby been doing?” Ms. Darian looked over at me, “Thyler is so happy about being a father. He even went out and got a job. He gave me this money and asked if I would go with you to get D’Wahn some things he needed.” I smiled and said, “I really appreciate this.” Ms. Darian never asked me again about the other guy and she never treated me different even after me telling her that D’Wahn was not her grandchild. Everyone in his family took to my son. Whenever we stopped by to visit he was spoiled rotten.
We looked around K-Mart and Ms. Darian said, “Thyler said to get him a playpen, bouncer, walker and some toys to play with. Oh and get him some diapers, bottles and some bibs for the house. Does he have enough diapers and stuff at your house?” “Yes!” I replied. His mother walked up and down the baby aisles, “They sho’ have some cute things in here.” She put her arms out and D’Wahn reached for her. She took him out of my arms, “Yo’ daddy is gon’ have your butt spoiled to death ain’t he.” It felt weird hearing her say those things. When we dropped her off Thyler came out to the car and peeped his head through the window, “What’s up man?” D’Wahn sat in his car seat smiling and cooing. “You want to spend the night with daddy boi?” he asked him as if he could say yes. “Let me see em’ Shala,” he said stepping back from the car giving me enough room to get him out the back seat. Once he got em’ out the car he didn’t want to give him back, “Let em’ stay for a while,” he said wiping D’Wahn’s chin with his bib, “You look too cool dude. Where his hat at?” I reached into the back seat and grabbed his hat and handed it to him. “So when do you want me to come back and get him,” I asked. “Maybe about 9 o’clock tonight or so,” he said putting D’Wahn’s hat on, “He gon’ chill with his dad for a while.” I got back in the car, “Alright. Call me.” “Hold on,” he said, “I forgot I have some more stuff for him in the house.” He took D’Wahn in the house and came back out with two more bags, “His uncle got this stuff for him today. He got stuff here so take this with you.” I couldn’t believe this, “Thyler he has too many clothes,” I said looking in the bag. “My son can’t never have too much,” he replied.
When I got home I told my mom about what had just taken place. I told her that I felt so bad. I asked why were they constantly doing things for my son if he’s not biologically his. I got to the point where I didn’t let it bother me anymore. I knew that I had been honest with his mother and I knew she had told her son. I thought to myself that maybe Thyler just wanted a baby.
Thyler did a lot for my son and Gavin didn’t do too much. He had a new girlfriend and wasn’t paying my child that much attention. Plus I had started hearing from people around town that he was denying my son. He had never denied him to me but there were rumors. Thyler was the one who made sure all his needs were met. I would ask Gavin to keep him here and there and to get milk and things sometimes so that he wouldn’t be so suspicious on why I didn’t need his help.
One day my phone rang and it was Thyler. He asked me could we put D’Wahn in his last name and take a family photo. I was kinda lost for words. I’m thinking to myself, “This man wants to put a child in his last name who is not biologically his.” I told him that I would think about it. A few days later I took D’Wahn over to Thyler’s and dropped him off for the night. Well, that next day I went to pick my son up and Thyler’s girlfriend was over (this was my first time seeing her). I don’t know why but I felt a little uneasy seeing her. I didn’t know who all Gavin knew so I got my son and left.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Bored out of my mind....
I'm sitting here bored as anyone could possibly be. I thought I was going to get up and go to my dad's house but he slept in all day because he didn't get off til' this morning sometime. I think I may get up and go over there in just a lil' while. They BBQ'd the other day and BBQ sounds good right about now.
I'm kinda tired since I didn't get home til' about 2am. I hung out with a friend of mine watching the game at her brother's house. She's really hillarious and she tries to get me out the house sometimes. I played two hands of dominoes and I was kicking a**. But I was on the losing end in the second hand.
I have 2.5 more days and my kids will be back with me for good and I'm so excited about that. I may get up and drive to Tulsa either tomorrow or Thursday morning. It may be after Thursday at 8am because the schedule rolls out and I need some work hours for next week. I guess I'm going to try and work nights into the early morning so that my children will be sleep I'm hoping. I think 11p-7a may be better for me. Right now, I'm working all over the place.
I just wanted to say a lil' something today. I'll be back later. If not, I'll be back on Saturday when I get back from out of town.
I'm kinda tired since I didn't get home til' about 2am. I hung out with a friend of mine watching the game at her brother's house. She's really hillarious and she tries to get me out the house sometimes. I played two hands of dominoes and I was kicking a**. But I was on the losing end in the second hand.
I have 2.5 more days and my kids will be back with me for good and I'm so excited about that. I may get up and drive to Tulsa either tomorrow or Thursday morning. It may be after Thursday at 8am because the schedule rolls out and I need some work hours for next week. I guess I'm going to try and work nights into the early morning so that my children will be sleep I'm hoping. I think 11p-7a may be better for me. Right now, I'm working all over the place.
I just wanted to say a lil' something today. I'll be back later. If not, I'll be back on Saturday when I get back from out of town.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Journaling All The Days of My Life: Dad 1 & Dad 2
Continuation from May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)… So I knew hearing his mother say that meant that she really must’ve thought my son looked like her son. What did this mean from me? I knew that this was going to be problems. I sat thinking why am I letting them see him? Didn’t I already tell Thyler this was not his baby? What if Gavin finds out? What am I going to do? I was nervous as hell.
That day I just went along with what was going on in the living room of my home. Thyler and his family stayed about an hour and right when they got up to leave he pulled me to the side. He looked at me in my eyes and said, “Shala he is really handsome. He looks just like me. I’m going to do everything for my son. All you have to do is get his milk. Did you like the clothes I left for him yesterday?” “Yea, thanks for everything.” I replied. As he left out the front door he looked back at me and said, “I’ll call you when I get home.”
I didn’t know how hard the next few months would be. Gavin called every day to check on his son and Thyler did too. About a day had passed and I called Thyler’s mom. I told her that I needed to speak with her about the baby. She started off about how cute he was and how he looked just like her son. She said that Thyler talks about him all the time.
“So when are you going to bring him over?” she asked.
“Ms….I don’t know how to say this,” I said in this low tone.
“Say what?”
“Thyler’s homeboy told him that I was pregnant by him I’m sure. He called me once when I was three months and asked about me being pregnant. I told him that I was but I wasn’t pregnant by him but by this guy named Gavin. I guess he never paid me any attention,” I told her continuing on with the story.
“He never mentioned any of that. He just told me that he had a baby on the way.”
“D’Wahn isn’t Thyler’s son,” I said taking a deep breath. I can bring yawl all the stuff that was brought for him back if you want me to.”
“Girl nah, keep that stuff. I think he looks just like Thyler. Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yea. He looks just like Gavin, Ms. Darian.”
We continued talking about the situation and finally got off the phone. I was thinking that I probably wouldn’t speak to them again once she told her son.
When D’Wahn was eleven days old I let him go and spend the night with Gavin. I was kind of nervous but extremely tired. When he came to pick him up he was more nervous than I was. He asked all kind of questions like what to do when he’s crying, how long does he stay up at night and so forth. I guess if I was in his shoes, I would’ve been asking questions too. He wasn’t the only one asking questions though. I asked did he know how to change him, does he have everything, what time would he bring him back. He told me not to worry that his mother and father was there to help him.
The next day Gavin brought D’Wahn home and when he looked in the closet he asked where he got all the clothes and stuff from. I told him that my aunt bought it and left it at that. I never thought to tell him about Thyler because I knew it would cause more trouble and I didn’t want him to start doubting my son cause there was no reason for him to.
My thoughts about Thyler not calling didn’t last long. He called regularly to check on D’Wahn. About a week later he and his family came over. He had brought a few more of his family member’s with him this time. They were so happy about Thyler having a baby. I was tripping out because I knew that this would not be going on with what I told Ms. Darian. Thyler’s brother said, “Man! He looks exactly like you. He got your color and everything.” I kinda sat off to the side a lil’, my heart was beating fast. The whole time they were over I was thinking about Gavin showing up at the door. Right then and there would’ve been the perfect opportunity to pull Thyler to the side and talk about my son-not being his.
After they I laid my son down for a nap. He was worn out from all the kisses and hugs he’d received. Not too long after I went in to check on him and he was not breathing. I took him out of his baby bed and patted him on the back a few times. He began coughing a lil’ after getting his breath back. I was so nervous and yelling for my mother at the same time. I called to make him a doctor’s appointment.
The next day I took him to the clinic, spoke to the doctor about what was going on. I let the doctor know that he would throw up his food a lot of the time as if he was having a hard time keeping it down. The doctor had me to take him over to St. Francis hospital where he was admitted. They kept him in the hospital for almost a week long. His esophagus was not the size it should be causing his food to come back up when he would eat.
This was a stressful week for me. I was a new mother at the age of seventeen. My son was barely month old and already he was in the hospital for issues that I had no idea about. I was getting my first real taste of being a mother. I called Gavin and he came up to see him just about every day. The doctor finally came in at the end of the week to let us know that he was going to release D’Wahn but before we could take him home we had to take a CPR class with one of the nurses.
The nurse came in and gave a class to teach us about how to care for D’Wahn once we got home. During this time we found out that he was being discharged with a breathing machine and that’s the only way he could leave. When we asked how much it would be she said $125.00. I didn’t’ have that type of money and Gavin didn’t either. I sat there for a while not knowing what I was going to do. I tried asking my mother who didn’t have the money at that time either. What I did next shouldn’t have happened but I called Thyler. I told him what was going on with D’Wahn. He told me to have my mother come and get the money but was mad at the fact that I didn’t call him and let him know he was in the hospital. At this point I still didn’t understand why Thyler was still trying to be a part of my son’s life. I didn’t know why he didn’t confront me about the phone conversation me and his mother had.
Later that day I took my son home and he continued to have two fathers for the next six months. I started working when my son was about 4 months at the Community College as a clerk. One day I had dropped my son off with Thyler while I went to work and when I came to pick him up one of my school mates was there. I was instantly nervous because not only was he a school mate but he was Gavin’s friend and I knew he would tell. I entered the house and Gavin’s friend looked at me and said, “What’s up? What you doing over here?” I kind of put my head down and Thyler replied, “This is my son’s mother.” Gavin’s friend from school looked at me like shame on you but didn’t say anything else. I rushed Thyler to get my son’s things together so that we could go. I left in a hurry and he never questioned why. I knew when I got home my phone would be ringing off the hook but it never did.
At this time both Gavin and Thyler were babysitting D’Wahn when I had to work. Gavin had a new girlfriend who he was spending most of his time with so his son was 2nd priority but he did come through from time to time. thyler had a girlfriend too but I had never met her but still he made sure that D’Wahn’s needs were met every single time and I think I got use to that. He actually seemed more like the father than Gavin, who biologically was. I was kinda upset at this point. Even though I was still in love with Gavin I started saying to myself, I wish Thyler could be my son’s biological father. I know it was a bad thing to think but he was there and what mother would not want someone in their child’s life who really wants to be there.
That day I just went along with what was going on in the living room of my home. Thyler and his family stayed about an hour and right when they got up to leave he pulled me to the side. He looked at me in my eyes and said, “Shala he is really handsome. He looks just like me. I’m going to do everything for my son. All you have to do is get his milk. Did you like the clothes I left for him yesterday?” “Yea, thanks for everything.” I replied. As he left out the front door he looked back at me and said, “I’ll call you when I get home.”
I didn’t know how hard the next few months would be. Gavin called every day to check on his son and Thyler did too. About a day had passed and I called Thyler’s mom. I told her that I needed to speak with her about the baby. She started off about how cute he was and how he looked just like her son. She said that Thyler talks about him all the time.
“So when are you going to bring him over?” she asked.
“Ms….I don’t know how to say this,” I said in this low tone.
“Say what?”
“Thyler’s homeboy told him that I was pregnant by him I’m sure. He called me once when I was three months and asked about me being pregnant. I told him that I was but I wasn’t pregnant by him but by this guy named Gavin. I guess he never paid me any attention,” I told her continuing on with the story.
“He never mentioned any of that. He just told me that he had a baby on the way.”
“D’Wahn isn’t Thyler’s son,” I said taking a deep breath. I can bring yawl all the stuff that was brought for him back if you want me to.”
“Girl nah, keep that stuff. I think he looks just like Thyler. Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yea. He looks just like Gavin, Ms. Darian.”
We continued talking about the situation and finally got off the phone. I was thinking that I probably wouldn’t speak to them again once she told her son.
When D’Wahn was eleven days old I let him go and spend the night with Gavin. I was kind of nervous but extremely tired. When he came to pick him up he was more nervous than I was. He asked all kind of questions like what to do when he’s crying, how long does he stay up at night and so forth. I guess if I was in his shoes, I would’ve been asking questions too. He wasn’t the only one asking questions though. I asked did he know how to change him, does he have everything, what time would he bring him back. He told me not to worry that his mother and father was there to help him.
The next day Gavin brought D’Wahn home and when he looked in the closet he asked where he got all the clothes and stuff from. I told him that my aunt bought it and left it at that. I never thought to tell him about Thyler because I knew it would cause more trouble and I didn’t want him to start doubting my son cause there was no reason for him to.
My thoughts about Thyler not calling didn’t last long. He called regularly to check on D’Wahn. About a week later he and his family came over. He had brought a few more of his family member’s with him this time. They were so happy about Thyler having a baby. I was tripping out because I knew that this would not be going on with what I told Ms. Darian. Thyler’s brother said, “Man! He looks exactly like you. He got your color and everything.” I kinda sat off to the side a lil’, my heart was beating fast. The whole time they were over I was thinking about Gavin showing up at the door. Right then and there would’ve been the perfect opportunity to pull Thyler to the side and talk about my son-not being his.
After they I laid my son down for a nap. He was worn out from all the kisses and hugs he’d received. Not too long after I went in to check on him and he was not breathing. I took him out of his baby bed and patted him on the back a few times. He began coughing a lil’ after getting his breath back. I was so nervous and yelling for my mother at the same time. I called to make him a doctor’s appointment.
The next day I took him to the clinic, spoke to the doctor about what was going on. I let the doctor know that he would throw up his food a lot of the time as if he was having a hard time keeping it down. The doctor had me to take him over to St. Francis hospital where he was admitted. They kept him in the hospital for almost a week long. His esophagus was not the size it should be causing his food to come back up when he would eat.
This was a stressful week for me. I was a new mother at the age of seventeen. My son was barely month old and already he was in the hospital for issues that I had no idea about. I was getting my first real taste of being a mother. I called Gavin and he came up to see him just about every day. The doctor finally came in at the end of the week to let us know that he was going to release D’Wahn but before we could take him home we had to take a CPR class with one of the nurses.
The nurse came in and gave a class to teach us about how to care for D’Wahn once we got home. During this time we found out that he was being discharged with a breathing machine and that’s the only way he could leave. When we asked how much it would be she said $125.00. I didn’t’ have that type of money and Gavin didn’t either. I sat there for a while not knowing what I was going to do. I tried asking my mother who didn’t have the money at that time either. What I did next shouldn’t have happened but I called Thyler. I told him what was going on with D’Wahn. He told me to have my mother come and get the money but was mad at the fact that I didn’t call him and let him know he was in the hospital. At this point I still didn’t understand why Thyler was still trying to be a part of my son’s life. I didn’t know why he didn’t confront me about the phone conversation me and his mother had.
Later that day I took my son home and he continued to have two fathers for the next six months. I started working when my son was about 4 months at the Community College as a clerk. One day I had dropped my son off with Thyler while I went to work and when I came to pick him up one of my school mates was there. I was instantly nervous because not only was he a school mate but he was Gavin’s friend and I knew he would tell. I entered the house and Gavin’s friend looked at me and said, “What’s up? What you doing over here?” I kind of put my head down and Thyler replied, “This is my son’s mother.” Gavin’s friend from school looked at me like shame on you but didn’t say anything else. I rushed Thyler to get my son’s things together so that we could go. I left in a hurry and he never questioned why. I knew when I got home my phone would be ringing off the hook but it never did.
At this time both Gavin and Thyler were babysitting D’Wahn when I had to work. Gavin had a new girlfriend who he was spending most of his time with so his son was 2nd priority but he did come through from time to time. thyler had a girlfriend too but I had never met her but still he made sure that D’Wahn’s needs were met every single time and I think I got use to that. He actually seemed more like the father than Gavin, who biologically was. I was kinda upset at this point. Even though I was still in love with Gavin I started saying to myself, I wish Thyler could be my son’s biological father. I know it was a bad thing to think but he was there and what mother would not want someone in their child’s life who really wants to be there.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
"Get A Life"
Who are you to tell me that I'm not who I am?
Whenever did we wake up with the same thoughts, in the same body with the same attitude on life on the same day?
Because I don't feel how you feel does that make you feel any better than I do?
Because you see one way and I another, does that mean my eyes don't see truth.
You got a slick ass mouth and all you speak is negativity, what I can't be and what I can't do.
Not to judge but by the likes of it if I followed you, I would be a damn fool.
My life is my life and when you begin to realize that, then maybe you'll unburden your soul.
Trying to live my life and live yours life too. That's just not the way the world goes.
If you took the time to focus on what's surrounding you then you wouldn't have so much time to dictate what I need to be doing.
You wouldn't be so concerned on my finances, my love life, my ups and downs, who I'm seeing or who I'm screwing.
Business-I dare you to get some. As a matter of fact I dare you to live your life, be you, do you.
There's only one me. I make my own life decisions. Don't focus on me for yourself a better life you should envision.
-Leukemiona Daniels (2009)
Whenever did we wake up with the same thoughts, in the same body with the same attitude on life on the same day?
Because I don't feel how you feel does that make you feel any better than I do?
Because you see one way and I another, does that mean my eyes don't see truth.
You got a slick ass mouth and all you speak is negativity, what I can't be and what I can't do.
Not to judge but by the likes of it if I followed you, I would be a damn fool.
My life is my life and when you begin to realize that, then maybe you'll unburden your soul.
Trying to live my life and live yours life too. That's just not the way the world goes.
If you took the time to focus on what's surrounding you then you wouldn't have so much time to dictate what I need to be doing.
You wouldn't be so concerned on my finances, my love life, my ups and downs, who I'm seeing or who I'm screwing.
Business-I dare you to get some. As a matter of fact I dare you to live your life, be you, do you.
There's only one me. I make my own life decisions. Don't focus on me for yourself a better life you should envision.
-Leukemiona Daniels (2009)
Friday, May 22, 2009
This Day of Mine...
I right now am extremely tired. I did go to bed quite early last night because my work shift started at 5:10a this morning so I was up at 4:50a. I knew that I had to work 13 hrs today which has been hard for me cause I don't usually work this long. I've been sitting in my living room all day long taking calls which is not a bad thing being that I'm the only one here.
I was feeling kinda down because my sister , my cousin and my step-daughter had graduations today and it would've been kinda cool to go and see that. I know I coudn't of been all three places at once but I wish I could've attended one. Well at least my children get to go to the City to attend my cousins. My lil' sister and step-daughter are finally going to high school. I know where my step-daughter is going but I'm not too sure about my sister. I'm hoping she'll come down to visit for a few weeks or so this summer. I'm going to try and get her and my other sister's kids down for a lil' bit.
My kids are so excited about coming to Texas. I think I'm more excited than they are. We have never been apart for this length of time and it was beginning to have an effect on me. I will never let my kids be away from me this long anymore but it seemed like the best thing for them at the time which turned out to be completely wrong.
I got on twitter this morning trying to figure out how to get followers. I'm really diggin' the site now as I didn't really understand it when I first signed up. I don't really get on too many social networking sites or anything anymore because I've sat up here and got myself hooked on virtual games (CSI and Virtual Families). I'm on playfirst and bigfishgames sites like almost every day. I like those cause I can play those games in between calls while I'm working-helps the time past by.
I was sitting thinking of going to a movie which I know won't happen today. A friend of mine keeps bragging on Star Trek so I may just have to go and see what he's talking about. I'm not really a Star Trek fan but he says you don't have to be to watch the movie. I usually go to the movies a lot because I haven't quite found myself anything else to do.
Well, let me get up from this computer for a hot second and fix my tuna caserole and cornbread to eat when I get off at 10p. Maybe I'll be able to grab something in between calls.
Be back later or tomorrow. Chao.
I was feeling kinda down because my sister , my cousin and my step-daughter had graduations today and it would've been kinda cool to go and see that. I know I coudn't of been all three places at once but I wish I could've attended one. Well at least my children get to go to the City to attend my cousins. My lil' sister and step-daughter are finally going to high school. I know where my step-daughter is going but I'm not too sure about my sister. I'm hoping she'll come down to visit for a few weeks or so this summer. I'm going to try and get her and my other sister's kids down for a lil' bit.
My kids are so excited about coming to Texas. I think I'm more excited than they are. We have never been apart for this length of time and it was beginning to have an effect on me. I will never let my kids be away from me this long anymore but it seemed like the best thing for them at the time which turned out to be completely wrong.
I got on twitter this morning trying to figure out how to get followers. I'm really diggin' the site now as I didn't really understand it when I first signed up. I don't really get on too many social networking sites or anything anymore because I've sat up here and got myself hooked on virtual games (CSI and Virtual Families). I'm on playfirst and bigfishgames sites like almost every day. I like those cause I can play those games in between calls while I'm working-helps the time past by.
I was sitting thinking of going to a movie which I know won't happen today. A friend of mine keeps bragging on Star Trek so I may just have to go and see what he's talking about. I'm not really a Star Trek fan but he says you don't have to be to watch the movie. I usually go to the movies a lot because I haven't quite found myself anything else to do.
Well, let me get up from this computer for a hot second and fix my tuna caserole and cornbread to eat when I get off at 10p. Maybe I'll be able to grab something in between calls.
Be back later or tomorrow. Chao.
Journaling All The Days of My Life
May 7, 2009 5:55am cst
I just got up about 20 minutes ago and made me some coffee. Now I just sat down at the place where I sit every morning, evening and night to work. I just pulled up the schedule to see if there were any hours available but they’re not. Schedules post at 8am cst so I want to make sure I’m sitting right here in front of my computer and ready to click, click, click.
I must’ve been really tired last night because I think I went to bed around 9:30pm and that’s another reason why I’m up so early. Yesterday I took myself to the movies. I went to see Obsessed and X-Men Origin Wolverine. Obsessed was a pretty good movie but I loved Wolverine. It’s a must see for my kids when they come home.
I talked to my sister Quita yesterday and she said that her and her family may come down to visit the weekend. I really hope so because I’m so bored. I don’t know anyone. I don’t go to clubs. I just sit up in this house day in and day out. It’s not really a bad thing if my kids were home. I’m thinking that if my sister comes down we can go skating, bowling and out to eat. Them being here will give me a real reason to go out and do something. I really miss my family a lot. I miss the ability to get up and go and see them in less than 10 minutes if I wanted to. Now I’m 4 hours away and have to drive miles to get to them. I’m at peace though. The only thing that really gets to me is not hearing my kids voices in the house.
I just got up about 20 minutes ago and made me some coffee. Now I just sat down at the place where I sit every morning, evening and night to work. I just pulled up the schedule to see if there were any hours available but they’re not. Schedules post at 8am cst so I want to make sure I’m sitting right here in front of my computer and ready to click, click, click.
I must’ve been really tired last night because I think I went to bed around 9:30pm and that’s another reason why I’m up so early. Yesterday I took myself to the movies. I went to see Obsessed and X-Men Origin Wolverine. Obsessed was a pretty good movie but I loved Wolverine. It’s a must see for my kids when they come home.
I talked to my sister Quita yesterday and she said that her and her family may come down to visit the weekend. I really hope so because I’m so bored. I don’t know anyone. I don’t go to clubs. I just sit up in this house day in and day out. It’s not really a bad thing if my kids were home. I’m thinking that if my sister comes down we can go skating, bowling and out to eat. Them being here will give me a real reason to go out and do something. I really miss my family a lot. I miss the ability to get up and go and see them in less than 10 minutes if I wanted to. Now I’m 4 hours away and have to drive miles to get to them. I’m at peace though. The only thing that really gets to me is not hearing my kids voices in the house.
Journaling All The Days of My Life: Baby Daddy Drama
Continuation from yesterday, May 4, 2009 (1:36pm cst)…. The fact that Gavin had showed up meant a lot to me. He looked over at me lying in the bed in pain.
“Shashi, you alright?” he asked.
“Yea…Ready for the baby to come.”
Karen was standing next to my bed and fixed my covers, pulling them closer to my face. He had to go behind her pulling the covers down a little joking with Karen, “Dang, don’t smother her.” They both fell out laughing. It was funny to me also but I was in pain and wasn’t in the mood for laughs.
The nurses continued to come in and out checking on me and the baby. I finally dilated enough to where they could give me an epidural. In order to get it I had to be really still because they had to insert a needle into my spine. Once this was done the pain decreased a whole lot. Time was really moving by and now I was beginning to feel like I had to push. When the nurse came back into the room she checked me and said, “She’s ready. Only two people can be in the room when she delivers.”
Gavin stayed beside me holding my hand the whole time. My mother was there giving her support. I don’t think my grandmother ever left the room either. During delivery I wasn’t pushing good enough to assist the baby. The doctor said she needed two people to push both of my legs up so that my knees were up by my face. Gavin grabbed one leg and a nurse grabbed the other. Then the doctor said, “Okay…when I count to three I need you to push hard like your constipated.
One…two…three…push. I began pushing, almost like I was pushing my insides out. The doctor kept saying that I was doing a good job and the baby was coming out. I kept following her instructions on when to push and finally I hear Gavin say, “Shashi, the head is out. C’mon Shashi, you almost there.”
Even though he didn’t want to come at first, I could see the excitement in his face. He had mentioned that he didn’t want to see me in pain. But to me it was very important for him to be there for the birth of our son. Finally, I heard the doctor say give one more strong push. When I did, I could hear my child’s voice and the voice of the doctor saying, “It’s a boy!” I was excited but at the same time exhausted. Gavin was standing there happier than ever. They asked if I wanted to hold my son but I just couldn’t….”Give him to his dad,” I said. My friend Karen had sent for me something to eat; I was starving. Everyone was coming in to see him. I was busy stuffing my face. My mom was saying how funny looking he was and his dad was already standing up for his son saying how handsome he was and how he looked just like him.
I was only in the hospital about 24-48 hours after his birth. The nurse came in and asked what we were going to name him. I said, “Emojieon D’Von.” I had this name planned stuck in my head during my entire pregnancy. Gavin then said, “Nah…his name is going to be D’Wahn after my nephew.” I was upset because I wanted my son to have a unique name. “Why not Emojieon? I told you I want to name him that,” I replied. “C’mon Shashi, I want to name him after my nephew who died when he was one,” he said looking me right in the eyes. So of course I went along with the name he said.
Right before leaving the hospital I got a phone call from my cousin Synder saying that someone was on the phone and was it okay for her to three-way them in. I told her it was cool because no one was in the room with me.
“Hey Shala!”
“Hey Thyler,” I said in a sorta shocked way.
“So you had the baby huh?”
“Yep, a lil’ boy,” I answered.
“What’s his name?” he asked.
“D’Wahn.”
“Can I come up and see him?”
I took a deep breath, “Not right now because I’m about to be discharged. How about I call you when I get home?”
“Don’t forget. I want to see him,” he said.
As soon as Synder cleared her other line I told her that I wasn’t calling him. I asked if she knew how he knew I had my baby. I reminded her that I told him I was not pregnant by him so why was he calling. No one knew about me messing with him but her and his best friend. Not that I minded him calling it was just that I knew he must’ve still had some thought in his head about this baby but why after I told him I was pregnant by Gavin. He hadn’t contacted me since I was three months and I hadn’t contacted him either so why now.
I got home and was immediately overwhelmed by all the crying and diaper changing. I was just seventeen years old in the eleventh grade trying to raise a kid. My mom went to work the next morning so I had to deal with being a new mother on my own during the day.
That evening I had some visitors drop by the house. When I noticed the car pulling up in front of the house and saw who’d got out of it, I was in shock. I didn’t even have time to tell my mother about the phone call. I grabbed my baby and hid in the front room closet and told my mom to say I wasn’t home. My mother looked at me with this confused look on her face. I closed the closet door enough to where they couldn’t see me but I could see them. There was a knock at the door. My mom opened it still looking confused. “Hello,” she said when she opened the door to greet them.
“Is Shala in?”
“No she’s not…she’s with my mother. Can I tell her who came by?”
“I’m Thyler…her son’s father,” he replied.
“Oh, okay. I’ll tell her that you came by.”
“Thank you ma’am. This is my mother Darian and my uncle. May we leave these bags with you? We bought some things for the baby. “
“Sure, I’m sure Shala will be home within the next couple of hours. Does she have a number to reach you?”
“Yes ma’am,” he replied.
Thyler placed the bags on the living room floor by the door and they left. Before I could get out of the closet my mom was on the phone calling my aunt. “Who was that?” she asked looking at me still confused. I began telling her that he was a guy I had sex with once and someone had him thinking I was pregnant by him. I explained how I ran into his best friend when I was three months pregnant and I let him know that I was pregnant by Gavin and he didn’t believe me. I told her that no one knew about him and it was a one time thing. My mom started questioning me, “Well, do you know who D’Wahn’s dad is? Why didn’t you ever say anything? Girl…..” she continued on.
My aunt rushed over to the house in no time. She had a lot to say. They asked me so many questions. I was just sitting there on my bed listening. When they gave me enough time to speak I replied, “I know who his daddy is. It’s Gavin and no I’m not confused. He looks just like him.” My mom stated, “Whoever is taking care of the baby is the father. Any man can be a daddy.”
They never let down on me. I was sitting thinking of what I should do or say. I didn’t need this in my life at this time. I wasn’t ashamed or confused because I knew that Gavin was the father of D’Wahn. The only thing that was so hard was explaining the situation of me having a one night stand.
That next day Thyler, his mom, brother and uncle showed up at my house. As soon as they came into the house, I introduced my mom to Thyler again and he introduced my mom and I to his family. This would be the first time that I had met anyone in his family. I told them to hold still why I went to get D’Wahn.
As I walked to the back room to get him I began thinking why was I letting them see my son when he wasn’t even his dad. All kind of questions started going through my mind and then I thought, “As soon as they see him, they’ll know that Thyler is not his dad and I won’t have to deal with the situation.”
When I walked back into the living room he was standing anxious to see what D’Wahn looked like. I came over to him and placed him into his arms and said, “This is D’Wahn.” Thyler pulled D’Wahn close to him and said, “Look momma, look at my son.” At that moment I was amazed that he was just starring at him with this proud father look. His mom replied, “Ewwww, he do look just like you Thyler.” His uncle agreed and they were all smiling. He sat down on the couch talking to D’Wahn, rubbing his little hand and pulling the blanket back to see how long he was. I looked over at my mom so confused for the very first time about this entire situation. This could not be happening. I hadn’t seen this guy in nine months except for one time when I made clear that I was not pregnant by him. Why would his homeboy tell him I was pregnant by him when it wasn’t the truth. I have to admit though he was still looking good as ever.
“Shashi, you alright?” he asked.
“Yea…Ready for the baby to come.”
Karen was standing next to my bed and fixed my covers, pulling them closer to my face. He had to go behind her pulling the covers down a little joking with Karen, “Dang, don’t smother her.” They both fell out laughing. It was funny to me also but I was in pain and wasn’t in the mood for laughs.
The nurses continued to come in and out checking on me and the baby. I finally dilated enough to where they could give me an epidural. In order to get it I had to be really still because they had to insert a needle into my spine. Once this was done the pain decreased a whole lot. Time was really moving by and now I was beginning to feel like I had to push. When the nurse came back into the room she checked me and said, “She’s ready. Only two people can be in the room when she delivers.”
Gavin stayed beside me holding my hand the whole time. My mother was there giving her support. I don’t think my grandmother ever left the room either. During delivery I wasn’t pushing good enough to assist the baby. The doctor said she needed two people to push both of my legs up so that my knees were up by my face. Gavin grabbed one leg and a nurse grabbed the other. Then the doctor said, “Okay…when I count to three I need you to push hard like your constipated.
One…two…three…push. I began pushing, almost like I was pushing my insides out. The doctor kept saying that I was doing a good job and the baby was coming out. I kept following her instructions on when to push and finally I hear Gavin say, “Shashi, the head is out. C’mon Shashi, you almost there.”
Even though he didn’t want to come at first, I could see the excitement in his face. He had mentioned that he didn’t want to see me in pain. But to me it was very important for him to be there for the birth of our son. Finally, I heard the doctor say give one more strong push. When I did, I could hear my child’s voice and the voice of the doctor saying, “It’s a boy!” I was excited but at the same time exhausted. Gavin was standing there happier than ever. They asked if I wanted to hold my son but I just couldn’t….”Give him to his dad,” I said. My friend Karen had sent for me something to eat; I was starving. Everyone was coming in to see him. I was busy stuffing my face. My mom was saying how funny looking he was and his dad was already standing up for his son saying how handsome he was and how he looked just like him.
I was only in the hospital about 24-48 hours after his birth. The nurse came in and asked what we were going to name him. I said, “Emojieon D’Von.” I had this name planned stuck in my head during my entire pregnancy. Gavin then said, “Nah…his name is going to be D’Wahn after my nephew.” I was upset because I wanted my son to have a unique name. “Why not Emojieon? I told you I want to name him that,” I replied. “C’mon Shashi, I want to name him after my nephew who died when he was one,” he said looking me right in the eyes. So of course I went along with the name he said.
Right before leaving the hospital I got a phone call from my cousin Synder saying that someone was on the phone and was it okay for her to three-way them in. I told her it was cool because no one was in the room with me.
“Hey Shala!”
“Hey Thyler,” I said in a sorta shocked way.
“So you had the baby huh?”
“Yep, a lil’ boy,” I answered.
“What’s his name?” he asked.
“D’Wahn.”
“Can I come up and see him?”
I took a deep breath, “Not right now because I’m about to be discharged. How about I call you when I get home?”
“Don’t forget. I want to see him,” he said.
As soon as Synder cleared her other line I told her that I wasn’t calling him. I asked if she knew how he knew I had my baby. I reminded her that I told him I was not pregnant by him so why was he calling. No one knew about me messing with him but her and his best friend. Not that I minded him calling it was just that I knew he must’ve still had some thought in his head about this baby but why after I told him I was pregnant by Gavin. He hadn’t contacted me since I was three months and I hadn’t contacted him either so why now.
I got home and was immediately overwhelmed by all the crying and diaper changing. I was just seventeen years old in the eleventh grade trying to raise a kid. My mom went to work the next morning so I had to deal with being a new mother on my own during the day.
That evening I had some visitors drop by the house. When I noticed the car pulling up in front of the house and saw who’d got out of it, I was in shock. I didn’t even have time to tell my mother about the phone call. I grabbed my baby and hid in the front room closet and told my mom to say I wasn’t home. My mother looked at me with this confused look on her face. I closed the closet door enough to where they couldn’t see me but I could see them. There was a knock at the door. My mom opened it still looking confused. “Hello,” she said when she opened the door to greet them.
“Is Shala in?”
“No she’s not…she’s with my mother. Can I tell her who came by?”
“I’m Thyler…her son’s father,” he replied.
“Oh, okay. I’ll tell her that you came by.”
“Thank you ma’am. This is my mother Darian and my uncle. May we leave these bags with you? We bought some things for the baby. “
“Sure, I’m sure Shala will be home within the next couple of hours. Does she have a number to reach you?”
“Yes ma’am,” he replied.
Thyler placed the bags on the living room floor by the door and they left. Before I could get out of the closet my mom was on the phone calling my aunt. “Who was that?” she asked looking at me still confused. I began telling her that he was a guy I had sex with once and someone had him thinking I was pregnant by him. I explained how I ran into his best friend when I was three months pregnant and I let him know that I was pregnant by Gavin and he didn’t believe me. I told her that no one knew about him and it was a one time thing. My mom started questioning me, “Well, do you know who D’Wahn’s dad is? Why didn’t you ever say anything? Girl…..” she continued on.
My aunt rushed over to the house in no time. She had a lot to say. They asked me so many questions. I was just sitting there on my bed listening. When they gave me enough time to speak I replied, “I know who his daddy is. It’s Gavin and no I’m not confused. He looks just like him.” My mom stated, “Whoever is taking care of the baby is the father. Any man can be a daddy.”
They never let down on me. I was sitting thinking of what I should do or say. I didn’t need this in my life at this time. I wasn’t ashamed or confused because I knew that Gavin was the father of D’Wahn. The only thing that was so hard was explaining the situation of me having a one night stand.
That next day Thyler, his mom, brother and uncle showed up at my house. As soon as they came into the house, I introduced my mom to Thyler again and he introduced my mom and I to his family. This would be the first time that I had met anyone in his family. I told them to hold still why I went to get D’Wahn.
As I walked to the back room to get him I began thinking why was I letting them see my son when he wasn’t even his dad. All kind of questions started going through my mind and then I thought, “As soon as they see him, they’ll know that Thyler is not his dad and I won’t have to deal with the situation.”
When I walked back into the living room he was standing anxious to see what D’Wahn looked like. I came over to him and placed him into his arms and said, “This is D’Wahn.” Thyler pulled D’Wahn close to him and said, “Look momma, look at my son.” At that moment I was amazed that he was just starring at him with this proud father look. His mom replied, “Ewwww, he do look just like you Thyler.” His uncle agreed and they were all smiling. He sat down on the couch talking to D’Wahn, rubbing his little hand and pulling the blanket back to see how long he was. I looked over at my mom so confused for the very first time about this entire situation. This could not be happening. I hadn’t seen this guy in nine months except for one time when I made clear that I was not pregnant by him. Why would his homeboy tell him I was pregnant by him when it wasn’t the truth. I have to admit though he was still looking good as ever.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Journaling All the Days of My Life: My License!
May 5, 2009 9:09am cst
This morning I’m back up again sitting on the couch logged in and getting ready to work. Last night my friend came over, so I feel a lil’ bit better than I was feeling yesterday.
So check this out. This month my license expire. I call to the Courthouse yesterday to find that my license are suspended. I immediately call the law office where a case is being handled that my ex-husband and I was sued for $15,066.00. The lawyer explained to me that I have the option of making another offer in order to get my license reinstated. This is what happened.
I got married on October 15, 2004 to this guy Conner. That day he needed to use the car when we got home from the wedding. He left and not even 30-45 minutes later he calls saying that I was going to be upset because he had a wreck in my car. I was upset but my first concern was to see if he or anyone else was hurt. Well, due to that accident he was being sued. I knew nothing about it until December 2007 my aunt gets a letter in the mail for me and come to find out my license are suspended. I contacted the lawyer who was handling the case, explained my side of the story and still I had to do something to get my license back. I made an offer of $4000.00 which was accepted. I had to pay $600.00 upfront and monthly payments of $100.00. I paid the initial payment in June 2008 and also had to pay $500.00 or so for a surgery that I was having on my neck so my finances were a lil’ low. After getting my license reinstated I didn’t make another payment. I kept on to him about paying on this lawsuit to keep my license from being suspended. In September 2008, I divorced him and in our divorce decree he signed saying that he would make the $100.00 monthly payments to me which I am yet to see. So now I’m being told that I have to start the process all over again if I want to get my license reinstated. I’m pretty upset about the whole situation.
This morning I’m back up again sitting on the couch logged in and getting ready to work. Last night my friend came over, so I feel a lil’ bit better than I was feeling yesterday.
So check this out. This month my license expire. I call to the Courthouse yesterday to find that my license are suspended. I immediately call the law office where a case is being handled that my ex-husband and I was sued for $15,066.00. The lawyer explained to me that I have the option of making another offer in order to get my license reinstated. This is what happened.
I got married on October 15, 2004 to this guy Conner. That day he needed to use the car when we got home from the wedding. He left and not even 30-45 minutes later he calls saying that I was going to be upset because he had a wreck in my car. I was upset but my first concern was to see if he or anyone else was hurt. Well, due to that accident he was being sued. I knew nothing about it until December 2007 my aunt gets a letter in the mail for me and come to find out my license are suspended. I contacted the lawyer who was handling the case, explained my side of the story and still I had to do something to get my license back. I made an offer of $4000.00 which was accepted. I had to pay $600.00 upfront and monthly payments of $100.00. I paid the initial payment in June 2008 and also had to pay $500.00 or so for a surgery that I was having on my neck so my finances were a lil’ low. After getting my license reinstated I didn’t make another payment. I kept on to him about paying on this lawsuit to keep my license from being suspended. In September 2008, I divorced him and in our divorce decree he signed saying that he would make the $100.00 monthly payments to me which I am yet to see. So now I’m being told that I have to start the process all over again if I want to get my license reinstated. I’m pretty upset about the whole situation.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'm Gone for The Night...
Well, I just wanted to get ya'll started on my life story. I'm working for 20 more minutes and then I'm off to bed with hopes of sweet dreams. I'll be back tomorrow. I hope you will too.
Hey! Check out http://truthiz.ning.com and be sure to create a profile.
Hey! Check out http://truthiz.ning.com and be sure to create a profile.
Journaling All The Days of My Life: I'm Pregnant!
May 4, 2009 1:36pm cst
Why did things turn out the way that they did for me? That’s one of the questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. I know that I’m the one to blame because I am in control of my own life and choices. I’m a divorcee of 7 months. I have three children. My son is 15yrs old and I have two daughters ages 11 and 7.
I had my son 5 days after my 17th birthday, February 28, 1994. I remember the day that I found out I was pregnant. I was working at the City of Tulsa as a clerk in the permit and licensing department, the summer of 1993 at the age of 16. I was sleeping a lot and I started falling asleep at work. I remember telling my mom and her saying to me, “You got a VD.” I don’t think I told her I had missed my period. I must’ve told her that my stomach was cramping because I don’t know of any other reason why she would make that comment about me having a venereal disease.
Well she picked me up from work one day and took me to the doctor’s office. When we were called back they had me to pee in a cup for a urine sample. Me and mother waited patiently in the room until the doctor came in. I don’t remember everything he said but I do remember him saying that he had something to tell me and I could either have my mother in the room with me or I could have her wait in the hallway. I chose to have her wait in the hallway. I was thinking to myself, not a VD. The doctor looked at me with a look of concern and then I heard, “Your pregnancy test came back positive.”
Pregnant? I had to sit there for a minute before giving the doctor the okay to let my mom in so that he could break the news to her. When the words pregnant and positive came out of his mouth, I don’t think I ever heard the last of it. My mother fussed at me all the way back to my job. She was so disappointed and now that I think back, I probably would’ve been to. She asked, “Who’s the father?” I looked over at her in shame and embarrassment, “Gavin.” I could not believe that I was pregnant. At the same time I was in love with the father of my child. We had met in the 8th grade in 1989 and began dating in 1990.
Though Gavin was the father of my son, he was not the first guy I had slept with. My first was a guy named Ryan whom I dated in the 8th grade. I don’t know if my family ever knew but he was. Our parents were real close and I really liked him. I would go over to this house and hang out. His mother picked me up for some of his football games. I went over to visit on holidays and my family was very trusting of his because they had known his parents for quite a while.
I really had this thing for Ryan but learned that Gavin had a crush on me. I remember him asking me by letter if I wanted to be his girl but he had a girlfriend at the time. I didn’t fall for him really until the summer before going into the 9th grade. It didn’t happen real quick but we had our first sexual encounter in April 1991. I really had a thing for Ryan but Gavin was a different story. I fell head over hills for him. Us dating didn’t last long and he started messing around with a friend of mine at the time. It really hurt my feelings but I continued to mess with him. It was like he could do no wrong.
I didn’t meet his parents until finding out I was pregnant with my son. The day we found out my mother suggested we call his folks and have a meeting. My mother and I went over and talked with Gavin, his mom and dad about our little situation of being young teen parents. His parents as well as my mom didn’t think it was a good idea. He actually said that he wanted me to have an abortion. I wasn’t really cool about that and at that time I just couldn’t see myself killing my baby. I knew that I wasn’t in a position to raise a child on my own but I didn’t feel comfortable with having an abortion either.
I let Gavin know that I was keeping my baby and that was really the end of that. So for the next 7 months I continued to go to school. I was in the 11th grade and wanted to finish school. We both attended Edison High but then he left and went to McLain.
February 26, 1994 had snuck upon me and I was having pains in my stomach. My mom took me to the emergency room at Hillcrest Medical Center. I was put into a delivery room and hooked up to the monitors in order to make sure my baby was fine. I called Gavin to come up but he didn’t want to. I was heartbroken and all I could think about was him not being there. Luckily I was not dilating as much as I needed to in order for the baby to come. I waited and waited but nothing changed. About two o’clock am on February 27th the doctor told me to watch for my contractions and they sent me home. I went home and followed the doctor’s orders.
That evening I started feeling the same pains as the day before so I called my doctor. She told me to go back into the delivery room so they could re-check me. When I got there, things weren’t too much different as the day before but I was dilating and they went ahead and admitted me. A lot of my family and friends came to the hospital but Gavin was nowhere to be found. The pains were coming more frequent and a lot harder. I knew that I would be having my baby within the next few hours. My neighbor was there with his girlfriend and their daughter. He asked where Gavin was. I let him know that he wasn’t planning on coming. He asked for his number and said that he would go pick him up himself if he had to but he would make sure that he got there. I wasn’t counting on that. He called Gavin and spoke with him over the phone and not too long after, he was walking through the door.
Why did things turn out the way that they did for me? That’s one of the questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. I know that I’m the one to blame because I am in control of my own life and choices. I’m a divorcee of 7 months. I have three children. My son is 15yrs old and I have two daughters ages 11 and 7.
I had my son 5 days after my 17th birthday, February 28, 1994. I remember the day that I found out I was pregnant. I was working at the City of Tulsa as a clerk in the permit and licensing department, the summer of 1993 at the age of 16. I was sleeping a lot and I started falling asleep at work. I remember telling my mom and her saying to me, “You got a VD.” I don’t think I told her I had missed my period. I must’ve told her that my stomach was cramping because I don’t know of any other reason why she would make that comment about me having a venereal disease.
Well she picked me up from work one day and took me to the doctor’s office. When we were called back they had me to pee in a cup for a urine sample. Me and mother waited patiently in the room until the doctor came in. I don’t remember everything he said but I do remember him saying that he had something to tell me and I could either have my mother in the room with me or I could have her wait in the hallway. I chose to have her wait in the hallway. I was thinking to myself, not a VD. The doctor looked at me with a look of concern and then I heard, “Your pregnancy test came back positive.”
Pregnant? I had to sit there for a minute before giving the doctor the okay to let my mom in so that he could break the news to her. When the words pregnant and positive came out of his mouth, I don’t think I ever heard the last of it. My mother fussed at me all the way back to my job. She was so disappointed and now that I think back, I probably would’ve been to. She asked, “Who’s the father?” I looked over at her in shame and embarrassment, “Gavin.” I could not believe that I was pregnant. At the same time I was in love with the father of my child. We had met in the 8th grade in 1989 and began dating in 1990.
Though Gavin was the father of my son, he was not the first guy I had slept with. My first was a guy named Ryan whom I dated in the 8th grade. I don’t know if my family ever knew but he was. Our parents were real close and I really liked him. I would go over to this house and hang out. His mother picked me up for some of his football games. I went over to visit on holidays and my family was very trusting of his because they had known his parents for quite a while.
I really had this thing for Ryan but learned that Gavin had a crush on me. I remember him asking me by letter if I wanted to be his girl but he had a girlfriend at the time. I didn’t fall for him really until the summer before going into the 9th grade. It didn’t happen real quick but we had our first sexual encounter in April 1991. I really had a thing for Ryan but Gavin was a different story. I fell head over hills for him. Us dating didn’t last long and he started messing around with a friend of mine at the time. It really hurt my feelings but I continued to mess with him. It was like he could do no wrong.
I didn’t meet his parents until finding out I was pregnant with my son. The day we found out my mother suggested we call his folks and have a meeting. My mother and I went over and talked with Gavin, his mom and dad about our little situation of being young teen parents. His parents as well as my mom didn’t think it was a good idea. He actually said that he wanted me to have an abortion. I wasn’t really cool about that and at that time I just couldn’t see myself killing my baby. I knew that I wasn’t in a position to raise a child on my own but I didn’t feel comfortable with having an abortion either.
I let Gavin know that I was keeping my baby and that was really the end of that. So for the next 7 months I continued to go to school. I was in the 11th grade and wanted to finish school. We both attended Edison High but then he left and went to McLain.
February 26, 1994 had snuck upon me and I was having pains in my stomach. My mom took me to the emergency room at Hillcrest Medical Center. I was put into a delivery room and hooked up to the monitors in order to make sure my baby was fine. I called Gavin to come up but he didn’t want to. I was heartbroken and all I could think about was him not being there. Luckily I was not dilating as much as I needed to in order for the baby to come. I waited and waited but nothing changed. About two o’clock am on February 27th the doctor told me to watch for my contractions and they sent me home. I went home and followed the doctor’s orders.
That evening I started feeling the same pains as the day before so I called my doctor. She told me to go back into the delivery room so they could re-check me. When I got there, things weren’t too much different as the day before but I was dilating and they went ahead and admitted me. A lot of my family and friends came to the hospital but Gavin was nowhere to be found. The pains were coming more frequent and a lot harder. I knew that I would be having my baby within the next few hours. My neighbor was there with his girlfriend and their daughter. He asked where Gavin was. I let him know that he wasn’t planning on coming. He asked for his number and said that he would go pick him up himself if he had to but he would make sure that he got there. I wasn’t counting on that. He called Gavin and spoke with him over the phone and not too long after, he was walking through the door.
Journaling All The Days of My Life!
May 4, 2009 1:06am cst
At this very moment I’m sitting in the living room of the apartment I just moved in almost two months ago. I’m laid back on my couch working and typing on what you are currently reading. I work as an Independent Contractor from home which is the best business ever. I’ve been working solely from home for the past 7 ½ months.
I currently reside in Texas where I moved back in November 2008 at the request of a friend. Before coming to Texas, my children and I had moved to Douglasville, Georgia in October 2008 where we stayed with a good friend of mine named April for about three weeks. The reason for the move was change. I needed a change of environment, to get away from the place I had grew up. My children were and were not excited about the move being that this would be around the 6th time we’d moved there. I have this need to be alone; alone with just me and my children to form some type of closeness. It seems as if I’m always aggravated, stressed, unmotivated, angry and depressed all the time when I’m in my hometown.
I didn’t move for the very first time until September 1999. I have a friend who lived in Marietta, Georgia so I moved there. I had this feeling inside me of just needing to get away. I was 23 years old with two kids (1yr old daughter and 5yr old son). I remember confiding in my friend about how I was feeling and she offered me a place to stay when I got there. I remember not wanting anyone to know I was leaving so I called my cousin Raub and asked him to take me to the bus station to purchase tickets. My bus didn’t leave for a few days or so and in that time Raub must’ve told someone in the family because my mom called asking me questions about the move.
My mother raised me and she’s always been a part of my life but we weren’t as close as I would’ve liked. No, we didn’t argue and fall out but I didn’t confide in my mother much. To be honest, I didn’t really talk to any of my family about my personal issues that much. I talk to my mother more now in the past year or so than I have-ever.
When my mother found out that I was leaving she called me. She told me that going to Georgia was not a good idea but if that’s what I was going to do then she would take me because the kids didn’t need to ride on the bus for a long period of time. I agreed to let her take me and so that was money lost on the tickets. My mother had rented a van the day before we left because not only was she taking me and the kids but my step-father, my sister Chops, her boyfriend Jaun (deceased now) and her homegirl Cuirah came along. This was one of the happiest days of my life.I had never actually lived anywhere else but Oklahoma (born & raised) except for the time I spent in bootcamp while in the Army in 1995-1996. This was something new to me and I was excited. I remember looking at my kids thinking, “We’re about to have the best life ever.”
At this very moment I’m sitting in the living room of the apartment I just moved in almost two months ago. I’m laid back on my couch working and typing on what you are currently reading. I work as an Independent Contractor from home which is the best business ever. I’ve been working solely from home for the past 7 ½ months.
I currently reside in Texas where I moved back in November 2008 at the request of a friend. Before coming to Texas, my children and I had moved to Douglasville, Georgia in October 2008 where we stayed with a good friend of mine named April for about three weeks. The reason for the move was change. I needed a change of environment, to get away from the place I had grew up. My children were and were not excited about the move being that this would be around the 6th time we’d moved there. I have this need to be alone; alone with just me and my children to form some type of closeness. It seems as if I’m always aggravated, stressed, unmotivated, angry and depressed all the time when I’m in my hometown.
I didn’t move for the very first time until September 1999. I have a friend who lived in Marietta, Georgia so I moved there. I had this feeling inside me of just needing to get away. I was 23 years old with two kids (1yr old daughter and 5yr old son). I remember confiding in my friend about how I was feeling and she offered me a place to stay when I got there. I remember not wanting anyone to know I was leaving so I called my cousin Raub and asked him to take me to the bus station to purchase tickets. My bus didn’t leave for a few days or so and in that time Raub must’ve told someone in the family because my mom called asking me questions about the move.
My mother raised me and she’s always been a part of my life but we weren’t as close as I would’ve liked. No, we didn’t argue and fall out but I didn’t confide in my mother much. To be honest, I didn’t really talk to any of my family about my personal issues that much. I talk to my mother more now in the past year or so than I have-ever.
When my mother found out that I was leaving she called me. She told me that going to Georgia was not a good idea but if that’s what I was going to do then she would take me because the kids didn’t need to ride on the bus for a long period of time. I agreed to let her take me and so that was money lost on the tickets. My mother had rented a van the day before we left because not only was she taking me and the kids but my step-father, my sister Chops, her boyfriend Jaun (deceased now) and her homegirl Cuirah came along. This was one of the happiest days of my life.I had never actually lived anywhere else but Oklahoma (born & raised) except for the time I spent in bootcamp while in the Army in 1995-1996. This was something new to me and I was excited. I remember looking at my kids thinking, “We’re about to have the best life ever.”
My Truth's
Well I think I'm going to write a book but I want to blog about my life's past and present. I would be more than happy if you would follow me day to day as I share my current status, pieces of my past that's leading my future. I've already started writing my journal as of May 4th so I will post all the past one's and start with the new one's in a few days or so. Check back every day to see what's going on.
So for the last few days I've been hangin' out on Twitter trying to do my Twit thang. At first when I signed up I didn't go back on to check it until about three weeks later and decided to start posting and even though I only have 11 followers it's cool. I'm following 40 folks on there and it's cool to see wut they have to say and things like that.
I wish you could post using more than 140 characters at each posting that would make it even better but I guess it's cool the way that it is. I just be posting whateva' comes to mind that I'm thinking about at that time.
Some of the people on there post some really cool things though. I read a lot of Tameka Raymond's twits and she has a lot of inspirational things to say and that's wuts up. Ashton Kutcher is just all out hillarious. He says some of the craziest things and post some of the funniest videos ever.
I kinda tap into everything that's going on online. I'm at home all the time being that I work at home so I do a lot of online gaming and anything that has to do with writing, I'm in for.
Well... until my mind is filled wit thoughts. Be good.
I wish you could post using more than 140 characters at each posting that would make it even better but I guess it's cool the way that it is. I just be posting whateva' comes to mind that I'm thinking about at that time.
Some of the people on there post some really cool things though. I read a lot of Tameka Raymond's twits and she has a lot of inspirational things to say and that's wuts up. Ashton Kutcher is just all out hillarious. He says some of the craziest things and post some of the funniest videos ever.
I kinda tap into everything that's going on online. I'm at home all the time being that I work at home so I do a lot of online gaming and anything that has to do with writing, I'm in for.
Well... until my mind is filled wit thoughts. Be good.
Hanging Thought
So I've been working on this book for a few days now. The book is based on my life. I don't actually want to put my words into a book. I like writing journals and that's what I've been thinking about doing. I thought that this whole blogging thing would be a good way to get my story out there but then I don't know. I tried sending out monthly newsletters and that didn't go across so well. I'm a very creative person and I try so many different things. I try one thing and if it doesn't seem to be going well then I'll switch over to something else. I don't really know the best way to do this but now I know that I don't really want to write a book but sometimes I feel as if I do.
I'm thinking this whole blogging thing may work for me. Not only will one get to know my life as it is today, I can share my past and you can follow me into the future. Whatever I decide I will surely share with you guys. Be on the lookout.
I'm thinking this whole blogging thing may work for me. Not only will one get to know my life as it is today, I can share my past and you can follow me into the future. Whatever I decide I will surely share with you guys. Be on the lookout.
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