Journaling All the Days of My Life: Molested!

May 8, 2009 2:48am cst

I’m working as usual. I’ve been up since 11:10pm trying to make money. Today was one of those boring days. I sat up in the house all day because the schedule came out three times today and I had to make sure I had hours for the work week. I won’t be going to bed til’ about 4am. I’m surely going to have to get me some rest tomorrow. I have a long weekend ahead of me.

Today I spent a lot of my time thinking about my kids as I do every day. I was just telling my girl Sharika that I can’t wait until they get here. I have exactly 21 days before I see them and I know they can’t wait. I’ve never been away from my children for an extended period of time so this is hard on both of us. I’ve been trying to talk to them but their stupid dad won’t let me. I’ve called and left messages with both my home and cell number asking him to let the kids call but he won’t. He’s mad at me and for that reason, he involves the kids which is stupid but hey. Just three more weeks of the madness and I’ll hear, “Shut up. Mom! Get her. Get him. Tell them to leave me alone.”

Since I found out that my license are suspended I’m gon’ ask someone in my family if they can bring the kids home. I don’t know how far that will get me but I can try. I’m planning some things for us this summer such as a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge and Six Flags. We’ve never been to either one as a family. They’ve never been period but I went to Six Flags when I was about 12.

Sometimes I hate having this emotional battle within myself. It has truly destroyed my life and maybe because I let it but it isn’t my fault. Yes, people tell me all the time that I have to get over my past but it’s easier said than done. There’s no getting over what I haven’t dealt with. My past pain eats at me every moment of the day. I try to keep myself busy a lot of the time. I go from one project to another. I write, write, write about my past pain to keep from having my emotions balled up inside. I travel through those horrible nights every now and then. I remember it like it was yesterday…

I was asleep in my mother’s bed. It was late at night and my mother had went out. She was comfortable with leaving us with a friend of the family (who was kinda like a brother to her) who lived just a few houses down and had been working for my grandfather.

I awoke…..and when I did I was kinda fighting for my breath. It felt as if someone threw dead weight on top of me. My eyes grew big in size, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing or feeling.

“Shhhhh” he said just as he noticed I was awakened and in shock.

He began to put his penis inside my little body. I was still in shock, looking over to my right to see that my sister was lying next to me.

“Shhhh” he repeated as his put his finger to my lips. He could tell that I wanted to scream. He continued to push himself inside of me until he did. I went into an open-eyed coma, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, fighting for my breath, motionless.

I snapped back to reality after a few minutes. He was still laying there on top of me pushing, constantly looking to his left to make sure that my sister didn’t move. Then the key began to turn to unlock the front door. He hurried up and removed himself from on top of me. Quietly but in a hurry he said, “Pull up your panties and go to the bathroom.”

I jumped down from the bed and walked fast into the bathroom to fix myself. When I looked down there was a milky white substance in my panties.

“Hey!” I could hear him saying to my mom. They were carrying on in conversation.

“Are the kids sleep?” my mom asked.

“Yea, Shala just went into the bathroom” he replied.

At that moment I wanted to run out and grab my mom and hold her so tight and never let go, but instead I walked back into her bedroom and climbed into bed. That night I wondered if my sister had heard him, felt him, ignored what was happening, pretended to be sleep, scared to say something or was she just so deep in sleep that she never heard or felt a thing.

That next morning was like any other morning. I got up brushed my teeth, washed my face, ate my cereal, got dressed, did my chores and went outside. Life became dull to me that day. The sun didn’t shine the same, the birds sang a song of pain and my thoughts became isolated in my mind, never to be revealed.

“Why?” I kept saying to myself in thought. I was too young and innocent. I had a good life until then….at that very moment I knew that what had happened wasn’t good. I thought “Maybe I should say something,” but I was too scared. Yea, right….who was going to believe me. I was too young, maybe my mom would think I was just making up lies to keep her from going out. But why would I do that, she didn’t go out that much as it was. Maybe I’ll just keep it to myself and no one would have to be mad at me.

I continued to play with my cousin and sister, pretending to be normal. I didn’t realize it but I began to walk with my head down at such a young age. I began to shy away from communication (oral expression). I lost the words that expressed my feelings. I began to hate who I was as a person, I felt so dirty. I felt as if I was unprotected at all times, I felt ashamed and hurt all at the same time. I didn’t know to call on God back then. I didn’t know how to call upon anyone. All I know is that my innocence was being taking over and over. It continued to go on for years.

Just when I thought it was over, Goth was up to my grandparents with everyone. He asked if he could drive my mother’s car over to the house to get something. We rode with him at times and I guess it would seem kind of strange for us not to, especially now that I was trying to learn to drive. I was about twelve now and more interested in learning to drive than anything.

“Shashi, you want to ride” Goth asked?