"NOT GUILTY"

it may have been just something for you to do but i can't say the same for me. you may of just wanted to see what would happen but it's something that will forever live inside of me. that Sunday morning, November 17, 2002 reminds me of what hate is. i still see the face of something so unforgiveable and the feeling of how could you in the presence of my three kids. i...wake up and do life but still your face forever lingers right in front of my eyes. i still have thoughts of why me. wanting to know what the fuck was on your mind. i was in my own home, minding my own business, trying to get my baby daddy to come back home. but as i go to answer the door...to my surprise his best friend stood there all alone. those words, "my car broke down. can i call my girl for a ride," still plays. i rewind my mind and ask what if i could go back to a few hours before the day. but you still stay...a constant reminder of never to trust anyone. you stood there and lied to me straight to my face and then just helped yourself to my pussy and a taste of my tits...with the help of yo' gun. didn't care that my panties held a maxi pad that caught the blood from my pussy walls. didn't care about the fear in my face as long as you could get away with it all. didn't care that my kids lay asleep just feet away from where you were forcefully raping their mother. and then for some sick reason you took a moment to imagine us as lover's, saying you wanted to be with me but didn't have the courage to ask. therefore i guess in yo' mind it seemed so right just to come and take a piece of my ass and have me to live with that and relive that day....after day, after day. i'm glad i had the courage to call 9-1-1 to see if they could put yo' bitch ass away. but that week, September 15-19, 2003...ten months after it all took place. arraignment, preliminary, testifying, arguments and then jury trial. i can still see you sitting there with that worried look upon your face. those thoughts probably came to mind of how they just may rape yo' bitch ass when they put yo' ass away. how yo' left hand will make a tight fist on his pocket and him calling you his bitch. i'm sure you imagined being fucked in the ass...just the thought alone should make you feel like i did...but that ain't what happened. time for deliberation and the judge tells me i can go for lunch and i did. when i returned you stood right at the doors looking me dead in my face with this smirk of relief. i got back to the court room only to find it empty, so now i'm really confused. my public defender ask'd, "you didn't hear the news?" i smiled with a smile of thinking jury trial will soon resume. "they found him NOT GUILTY," a moment of silence came and then left, "is there anything i can do?" i heard those words as i walked away...no tears, no emotion came across my face and you were still standing right there as i came down to leave the building. that second, that very moment...MURDER had now become my new feeling. you just take from me, violate me, disrespect my children and my home, leave me reliving that morning, causing me to feel suicidal and depressed and all they can say is NOT GUILTY. so you can just walk away a free man...no care in the world about my safety for exposing you. don't care if you do bodily harm once again for me telling the truth. don't care about my constant cries and possible bodily harm from the result of hatred, my pain and a kitchen knife. don't care that my feeling of being me is no longer...they just let you walk free. but what if i retaliated on yo' ass, killed yo' ass...i'm wondering how free will i be. what if i brought pain to your family, shot yo' ass in the presence of yo' kids? what if i stood there with that same funny as smirk on my face and showed no concern of what i just did. what if i just take yo' life...doing exactly what you did to me. i'm just wondering how "NOT GUILTY" would i be.

copyright.2009.Leukemiona Daniels