Journaling All the Days of My Life: Molested Cont...

Continuation from May 8, 2008 2:48am cst (it’s 12:19pm cst)…“Yeah, I’ll go” I said all excited because I knew he would let me drive. By this time and age, I had suppressed it all (the abuse). I didn’t want to feel the hurt and I didn’t want to hurt my family. So I endured it, time after time, after time. I hated to but I couldn’t tell my mom, “She would be so mad” is what I thought.

We got into the car, I had on a yellow, blue, and orange striped sun dress. Goth didn’t say much on the way over. Once we were there we both got out the car and went inside the house. He went in the back looking for something. I got some kool-aid out of the refrigerator to drink. I put my glass on the counter and walked over to the bar stool that sat next to the hallway entrance with my foot upon the ledge. It was time to go and there was a knock on the door. Goth went to the door and answered it.
“Hey man what’s up?” he said while leaving the door open as to say come in.
“Shit nothing, waiting on Jason to get home” Cliff replied.
“What’s up Shala” he said looking over at me.

I got really nervous. It was already a bad idea to be here alone with Goth but when Cliff came through the door it got worse. I began to shake a little. I don’t know why but I felt as if something just wasn’t right.
“What yawl doing over this way? I thought yawl were up to Buddies?” asked Cliff.
“Man shit, I just came over here to get this book that Irene wanted to show Late. Shala just rode along with me,” he said walking out the front door.

It wasn’t long before Cliff begin making his way over towards the stool I was sitting in. I scooted my butt backwards with my both my hands pressing down on the seat until my back came to a stop hitting up against the back of the chair. Cliff gave me this strange look as he put both his hands on both my knees and spreaded my legs. I started to breath heavy; heavy enough that he knew I was getting scared and feeling uneasy about this. “What do I do” I thought. I knew at that moment Goth would not protect me cause he looked at me the same way; he looked at me as this helpless little girl who he could take advantage of, rape over and over, a little girl who was scared and ashamed. I was stuck there not knowing at that moment what was about to happen. I didn’t know what to think as Cliff pressed his fully clothed body between my legs and up against my body without moving or trying to remove the panties that protected my vagina. His body moved left to right and as he started to breath heavily looking over my shoulder either at the wall or down the hallway was his only option. In my mind I started calling upon my mother, “Please don’t let him hurt me, mom please.” Those words replayed in silence for the next four to five minutes as Cliff got his rocks off by doing what he did.

Cliff backed away from me and walked out the front door and Goth came back in a few minutes later. I’m sitting on the stool in the bathroom with the door locked.
“Shashi, you ready to go” Goth asked.
“Yeah, I’m using the bathroom” I replied.
“Alright.”

I got up off the toilet and flushed it and started washing my hands. I stared into the mirror as my eyes began to water. I grabbed the top of my dress and wiped the tears away before they had time to fall. I got myself together, dried my hands and then exited the bathroom. Goth was sitting on the couch.
“You ready” he asked.
“Yeah” I said in relief.

Goth didn’t look as if he was ready cause he didn’t get up off the couch. As I started walking toward the front door he got up off the couch quickly.
“Come here” he said grabbing my waist with both hands.
“What?” I asked.
“Sit down right here,” he said backing me up toward the couch.
“No.”
“You want to drive don’t you?”
“Yeah!….No.” I said again pushing his body away from mine.
He pushed me back on the couch and pushed the bottom half of my dress up until it folded up on my stomach.
“C’mon now….stop,” I was saying demanding him to let go of me.

He pulled my panties down to my ankles and I couldn’t see his face anymore. My private started to tingle and I quickly moved back on the couch still trying to push away. Goth put his hands upon my waist and pressed his face on my private and started licking up and down. I could feel his hot breath as he breathed heavily.
“You like that,” he asked.
“Goth stop it!” I demanded.

He raised his head and looked up at me and said, “You better not tell nobody about this. You hear me? You know I be watching yawl.” I started to really panic and wonder what to do. “Go in the bathroom and wipe yourself up” he stated.

I got up and went back into the bathroom. I had been violated twice in one day. I was so heartbroken. I just had to tell my mom what he was doing to me. He scared me really bad with all the threats that he had made throughout the years. After I wiped myself we left out the house.
“You wonna drive?” he asked.
“Naw, that’s alright.”

I got in the car on the passenger side and slammed the door. I leaned sideways where my back was half on the seat and half on the door. I glanced over at him disgusted and then put my eyes directly on the place mat in the floor. We reached my grandmother’s house. I went in and asked my sister did she want to go outside. I had to do something to help me focus on something other than what had just happened to me.

After that day, things started to look up for me. I was still hurting inside but for some reason Goth never tried to touch me in that nasty way again. I thought maybe my mom found out (but she hadn’t) or maybe he had got a girlfriend to mess around with. I wasn’t sure at that time but I was glad. Now I could start living my life as a child. I could be happy once again. At least that’s what I thought.

Goth didn’t go away physically but him violating me did. No matter what I tried to do I couldn’t get those thoughts out of my head for a long time. I went to bed thinking of the pain, woke up with it on my mind, played but still throughout out the day I couldn’t seem to lose thought of Goth and the way he violated me. I couldn’t tell anyone. Who was I going to tell? “Me and my cousin were really close but she may tell on me” is what I thought. I would just keep it to myself and maybe one day it would go away. I just couldn’t believe that he took my innocence.